When I was growing up, getting a lecture from my mom was the most painful type of punishment imaginable. The thing is, I’m sure that when she was “lecturing” she did not think of it as punishment but more as communicating and really getting down to the meat of things. That’s not what I heard of course and I would have much rather be banished to my room for hours than have to endure the lecture. Now, with kids of my own, I sometimes have to do a check on myself as to whether I’m lecturing too much when I actually think that we’re having a discussion…
A discussion implies that there is give and take, an exchange of ideas and shared problem-solving. While, a lecture is pretty much just one person (the parent) ranting and raving at the child, there just isn’t much give and take during the traditional lecture. Of course, there is a time and a place for everything and sometimes the BRIEF lecture can be poignant and effective. However, I have to say that the long, drawn-out lecture that goes on for an hour is seldom effective and the child has totally tuned you out after about five or six minutes. Trust me on this one; I’ve been on both sides.
Over time, I’ve learned that lectures need to be brief, if they can’t be avoided; and discussions should happen under circumstances that are not emotionally charged. It is downright impossible to have a sane discussion in the heat of a misbehavior moment or right after someone has done something undesirable. Discussions have to have an opportunity to be as neutral as possible and out of the line of fire. It is tough to problem-solve or be fair minded when you are on the strong offensive or the strong defensive.
Effective parenting is about having a full bag of tricks so that you don’t have to overuse any one technique. I’m of the opinion that the lecture should be used sparingly (if it can’t be avoided) and discussions can be far more effective in changing behavior in the long run.
Also: Don’t Let Yourself Be Manipulated