In all the books and blogs and magazines you’ll read, and in the many discussions you’ll have with other people about marriage, you’ll find that a lot of emphasis is given to being honest. Usually, it refers to being open and honest with your spouse and working to develop good communication habits. However, one cannot learn to be honest with others until he or she can be honest with him or herself.
The problem is that being honest with ourselves can be difficult. It requires the ability to admit when we are wrong or when we behave selfishly. It requires that we stop rationalizing and making excuses for our behavior and learn to accept accountability for the choices we make. Our words and actions are choices. Always.
As much as we all like to blame others for how we react to situations, we have to accept that we choose how we react. How the other person behaves is not an excuse for how we conduct ourselves, although we often use it as justification.
Also, ask yourself if sometimes you aren’t looking for an excuse to lash out at your spouse. Perhaps you’re unhappy for a variety of reasons, or maybe you don’t even know what’s actually bothering you at the moment, but one mistake on your spouse’s part and it’s on! You can often recognize this pattern when you hear yourself saying things like, “What’s that supposed to mean?” It means what it means. We have to stop trying to read so much into what someone else says and give others the benefit of the doubt.
On occasion, there may be more to what is being said, but when we find ourselves picking apart every word; it usually indicates an underlying or larger problem. There may also be guilt on our part over something we have done or said, which can leave us feeling defensive. The most innocent comment can often trigger anger, because we’re expecting the issue to be brought up, even if that is not the other person’s intention in making the statement.
Just like we have to love ourselves before we can love someone else, we have to learn to be honest with ourselves before we have an honest relationship with another person.