I admit that I sometimes wrestle with “rescuing” behaviors as a parent. It can be incredibly challenging not to step in and try to “help” our kids when they get in a bind or a scrape. And sometimes, it can be confusing as to whether we are actually rescuing or we are participating in natural and logical consequences. None of us is perfect, but keeping the “question” of whether or not we are rescuing our child when he or she needs to stand on his own can help us to keep from intervening when we shouldn’t.
Think of rescuing as intervening between your child’s choices and behaviors and the natural and logical consequences. Of course, as parents we do need to step in if safety is an issue but other times, our rescuing the child may actual prolong the lesson and be harder on him or her than if we just let things evolve organically. For example, if a child chooses to watch television instead of doing his or her homework, we can a. nag the child until he does his homework, b. sit down and do the homework with the child, or c. do the homework for the child so she won’t get “behind” in school. What if we issued one reminder and then left the issue up to the child to resolve? If the child doesn’t do his homework, then he will have to face the consequences when he shows up at school the next day without the finished papers. Sure, it might be tough to watch this happen as a parent (and we may get grief from the teacher who is holding US responsible for the child’s school work), but what is actually better for the overall development of the child?
Here’s a more complicated example of why it can be hard to know when a parent should step in or not–what if your child is having a really hard time at school–he or she is having behavior issues or is not able to learn, or you disagree with the methods and teachers and administration? You’ve tried talking with all the teachers, had meeting after meeting, brought in the experts, and still the problems continue or are exacerbated. Do you force the child to continue at the school and “learn how to work things out” or do you pull her out and find a school that might be a better fit (or consider home schooling)? It will depend on your personal philosophy, but it should also depend on what is going to be best for the child. This is how I evaluate and try to keep tabs on whether I am exhibiting rescuing behaviors or advocating–what is really in the best interest of the child?
Also: It is Okay to Say Things Out Loud (In Fact it Helps)
When You Think You Should Give a Child More of Yourself
Have You Heard of the Term “Helicopter Parents”?