When my husband was in high school, he discovered that he has a knack for learning foreign languages. Since that time, he has learned six, and is currently working on Italian. He reads books from different countries all the time, sometimes forgetting that English is his native tongue. Some of those other languages are constructed very differently from English, and there are times when this wreaks havoc with our communication as a married couple.
Some of these languages don’t use connecting phrases. This makes things quite interesting when it comes to understanding what he’s saying to me. For instance, yesterday at church, he needed to find a woman named Amy to tell her something. Later, he said to me, “I couldn’t find Amy, but I found Ashley, so everything is fine.” That made no sense to me, as Ashley and Amy don’t even work in the same capacity at church—how could talking to Ashley solve the problem he needed to solve by talking to Amy? I asked him some questions and figured out that while he couldn’t talk to Amy, he was able to solve another problem by talking to Ashley, and so he felt that he’d been successful overall and will talk to Amy later. He confuses me like this all the time.
So what should you do when your spouse uses vernacular that is totally different from what you’re used to?
1. Be patient with them. Understand that because you come from two different backgrounds, you will understand things differently. It doesn’t matter if you were born in the same country—you still have different backgrounds.
2. Ask questions. If something doesn’t make sense to you, take a moment to ask your spouse for more details.
3. Don’t assume anything. You might think you can guess as to your spouse’s meaning, but if miscommunication is a frequent problem, double check, just to be on the safe side.
4. Don’t become impatient. I’m writing this helpful hint down for myself just as much as for anyone else – it’s hard not to feel impatient when nothing makes sense. But getting irate will only make the situation worse. Who wants to explain themselves to a cranky person?
I’m sure there are things you say that confuse your spouse, too – it’s not a one-way street. But hopefully, as the two of you learn to ask questions and seek clarification, you’ll find ways to bridge those communication gaps. I’m not exactly sure when it will happen – I’ve been married to this confusing man for fifteen years – but I have confidence that it will happen someday.
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