I only caught Part 2 of the Oprah “Why Men Cheat” controversy, but it’s sparking yet another blog. But instead of discussing why men cheat or how to affair-proof marriage, this time I’m going to talk about something else that was brought up as part of all this: behaving differently once married versus how you behaved prior to marriage.
Behaviors
During the show, Oprah defended M. Gary Neuman’s assessment that it made sense the husbands strayed because they weren’t getting something from their wives.
Not that she was wagging her finger and saying, “Shame on you, you neglectful wives.” Quite the contrary.
She was trying to illuminate the situation. To help others learn from, I don’t want to say the other wives’ “mistakes,” but their lack of attention so other marriages could avoid the pain of an affair.
She made the comment to the effect it’s “empowering to remember you were a certain way when you were trying to get him. Your respect level and attention level was very different.”
I thought this was particularly enlightening. Remember when you were first dating? How you’d rearrange your schedule and make exceptions for other things to accommodate spending time with your new sweetie?
Then what happens? Once we get into an established relationship, we get into a routine. Suddenly responsibilities are long and time short. Work, kids, pets…all of it seems to come before couple time. We don’t invest the energy like we once did.
Growing the Love
Jade recently sent me an article entitled “How to Grow the Love in Your Marriage” that dealt with this very thing. It’s a common couple complaint: “Where did the love go? It doesn’t feel the same anymore.”
The article’s author, Dr. Noelle Nelson, suggested it didn’t go anywhere. It’s still there, you’re likely not doing anything to nurture it so it can continue to grow.
This means doing many of the same things Oprah’s guest M. Gary Neuman suggested to do to affair-proof your marriage: show appreciation, have sex, spend time with your spouse, and care about their well-being. It means taking time to act like you once used to: putting other things on hold in order to have time to spend with your honey.
We can’t do that all the time. But we should remember to do it more frequently than we probably do now. After all, once upon a time you used to be able to come up with reasons why your honey was more important than some other things. That shouldn’t change just because you’re married.
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