How often do you start the day with a morning lecture?
My 8-year-old daughter’s answer: “Too many!”
She’s probably right.
If she asks for help locating her backpack, I spend five minutes “suggesting” that she hang it in the back hall where she can easily find it.
If she complains about taking the same home lunch to school every day I “propose” that she expand her palate because there’s only so much I can do with strawberries, crackers and plain chicken.
When she whines about not having enough time to eat a leisurely breakfast before school I “recommend” moving up her bedtime… in a not-so friendly tone.
Sound familiar?
When we are critical of our children, it is almost always because we have lost patience with them. That frustration begets anger, hard feelings, and inevitably, unhappiness.
I find that I am most critical of my daughter when I am tired or preoccupied. Multi-tasking while fatigued triggers a knee-jerk reaction in me to criticize. This, of course, is a complete fail on my part, especially since I know how toxic persistent criticism can be to a mother-daughter relationship.
I’ve been unsuccessful in quitting criticizing cold turkey, but I have been employing strategies to avoid going overboard:
Apologize: If you were especially harsh in criticizing your child, apologize to her. Acknowledge that you were frustrated and may have said hurtful things in the heat of the moment. It is important for kids to see their parents offer an apology. Modeling this humility will go a long way in teaching children how to repair relationships.
Appreciate: Expressing appreciation is one way you can alleviate any resentment your child may hold against you for constantly criticizing him. Simple, heartfelt expressions of gratitude can help soften a child’s stubbornness.
Advise: Rather than loudly laying into your kid about how irresponsible and lazy she is, consider another tactic—giving advice. Approach the situation by giving gentle guidance rather than criticizing. The latter evokes defensiveness while the former may lead to a more receptive response.