Let’s face it, we are a society that is obsessed with youth and external looks can seem incredibly important. As parents, it can also be hard NOT to focus on what our children look like—are they wearing the “right” clothes? Do they have the “right” haircut? Are their teeth straight? Is there a line that we cross, however, between what is reasonable and what is obsessive? Recently, I was talking to a parent whose child has just been diagnosed with eczema. One of my own children had allergies when she was a preschooler that manifested itself with eczema so I thought I might have some suggestions for easing the child’s discomforts (she outgrew it by elementary school but still has a tendency to have dry skin.) The parent, however, was only concerned with how the child looked—would other kids notice and make fun? Would this affect the child’s popularity? The parent confessed that she had been proud that her child had been so good looking (this is a three-year-old) and she was concerned that would be in jeopardy.
As a parent who is on the tail-end of the teenage years, I am here to report that even the most adorable toddlers eventually become gawky and awkward teens. While it may be short-lived, there are so many stages and phases that our kids go through as they age and while some of it is physical, there is an internal growth and development component too. They just are not always what society would consider “pretty.” How can we focus on one and not the other? AND, how can we NOT pass on insecurities and vanity if we stay too focused on the external package? I do think that we parents can be encouraging and supportive and boost our children’s self-esteem by helping them learn good hygiene and self-care, but there is a difference between the confidence that comes when our outside reflects the beauty inside AND the vanity, shallowness and insecurity that comes when the focus on looks surpasses concern for the person within.
Also: Dealing with a Narcissistic Family Member
Are You Focusing Too Much on Yourself?