Arguments may be inevitable in family life, as are those power struggles and disagreements, but the truth is even if one person feels like they “win” an argument, someone always gets hurt feelings. Often, both sides have hurt feelings by the end of the argument and how can this make an argument worthwhile?
I am not saying that we should not express our emotions or teach our children how to say when they are angry, frustrated, or aggravated, but I do think that we need to keep in mind that the outcome of an argument is generally hurt feelings. Whether someone has to “win” and someone has to “lose” or you are able to come up with a compromise or an agreement that you both are reasonably content with, there will be hurt feelings along the way. Learning how to apologize, acknowledge and sooth those hurt feelings can be an important part of coping with arguments. It can also help us to evaluate if an argument really is necessary—is there a way to communicate without an argument and a way to work things out without hurt feelings?
It always makes me a little sad when I hear parents say something like “Oh, she just has her feelings hurt” about a child. As if hurt feelings are nothing to be concerned about. While I am not one to indulge in pity or self-pity, I do think that when we hurt other people—even our children—we are doing harm and affecting the peace of the world around us. Our children’s hurt feelings may be a part of life, but they are nothing to shrug off—especially if there is something we can do to help them learn how to communicate and interact with other people without automatically turning to arguing and disagreements. Why not learn how to disagree and discuss differences without hurting each other’s feelings?