Question: I’ve heard you say a few times that you don’t allow your toddlers to talk back to you. At first, I thought you meant preschoolers but in one of your posts you even make mention of insisting that your 14 month old doesn’t say ‘no’ to you. How exactly do you accomplish this? I don’t mean to offend you, but you sound horribly strict.
I am going to have to answer this in two parts. First, I’ll give you the ‘why’ of dealing with toddlers and then in another blog I’ll explain how exactly we gain their cooperation. Yes, it is true. When parents pop into the forums to ask about toddlers that talk back I have often answered that we simply don’t allow it. Are we horribly strict? I don’t know if I can answer that. We have rules in our house. When they are broken we are consistent with the consequences. If that makes us strict, then yes, we are horribly strict.
Why You Can’t Let Your Toddler Get Away With Talking Back
As soon as my kids were able to say no, they did. Every single one of them without failure at some point during their toddlerhood tested the boundaries with myself and daddy by telling us that they simply would not do something. They do this because they are pushing for independence, a phase otherwise known as the terrible twos.
However, in my experience parents that are unable to tame their two year olds, have out of control three year olds that turn into out of control 4 year olds. It doesn’t get easier. I often see parents make excuses for poor behavior rather than deal with the behavior. “She’s just tired.” “He’s so independent.” That’s fine–Suzy can be tired and independent but you will do Suzy no favors by allowing these factors to excuse her tantrums. Rather if you deal with Suzy’s tantrums as tantrums and let her know that tantrums will not earn her what she wants, you will find that the tantrums stop.
Not understanding?
Am I teaching my girls (as the twins are the only toddlers I have right now) that I don’t understand them? Nope–I understand perfectly. I understand that they want their independence. I understand that sometimes it is frustrating to communicate when you don’t quite have all the words.
I also understand that they are learning all the time. Every time they throw a tantrum, they are learning from me in how I handle it. They can either learn that it isn’t acceptable behavior or they can learn that mommy will tolerate it. If anything, I consider it merciful towards them to not allow temper tantrums because good behavior will afford them rich relationships later in childhood.
In my next blog, I’ll cover how exactly I gain their cooperation.