A few days ago, I received a private message from a reader and I apologize to her that I’m just now getting around to addressing this question.
I have a question and you might be the right person to answer it. I enjoy reading your blogs and I find that many times we are on the same wavelength. A few weeks ago, my husband and I were talking about having children. We’ve been married for two years and his parents are very eager to become grandparents. He’s never expressed a great deal of interest one way or another before, but during this conversation – he seemed more eager about the idea than I’ve ever heard him to be. I’ve always said I want to have a baby, but honestly – I don’t really want to have one right now. I’m still on the pill and he’s suggested that I go ahead and stop taking it after I talk to my doctor. That way we could start working on baby making. I didn’t really commit to the idea, but I heard him talking to his mother on the phone the other day and the way he told it to her – it was a done deal. We were going to be actively working on baby making. Since I didn’t tell him that I would stop taking the pill and he doesn’t really monitor what I take or when (the pill case is in my purse) is it wrong for me to just stay on the pill for now? I do want to have a baby, but I just got a promotion at work and it’s pretty intense and I’m really enjoying the challenge. If I get pregnant, that’s going to slow me down and I don’t want to resent my husband or the baby – am I wrong? Should I tell him? Can you help?
– Confused
I’ve withheld the name of the reader per her request, but I want to preface my answer with this very real thought – letting your husband believe you’re not taking the pill whether you told him you would stop or not is a form of lying. If he’s on the phone to his mother telling her these things, then his hopes are up and after a few months, if you’re still not pregnant, he’s going to feel that – emotionally. He may start to wonder if something is wrong with one or both of you and I guarantee you that if he discovers you are on the pill at that time – he will feel a lot of hurt and resentment.
That being said, if you’re not ready to be a parent just yet, then you need to talk to him about that. Just as he can’t make a decision that you’re both ready for parenthood because he is, you can’t take his choices away by not letting him know how you really feel. My husband and I have been in this position before, at different times we’ve both expressed a desire to have another baby, we’ve not been fortunate to become pregnant again, but the other always seemed to be in a different place during these conversations.
It ebbs and flows, like the tide, but we’re in tune to what the other one wants. Your husband both deserves your respect and your honesty and the opportunity to provide you with the same. There could be any number of reasons that he has decided he’s ready to be a dad and right now, it sounds like he thinks you’re on board with him. It’s a betrayal to let him continue to believe that when you’re not. You are not protecting him, but yourself from his possible disappointment.
If you do eventually want to have a baby, but you’re not ready right now – then talk to him about that. Listen to what he has to say and put all your cards on the table. Address your fears, your concerns and your hopes and dreams. It may not be the most comfortable conversation the two of you ever have, but it will be far better to talk about it now than to have him find out at some later point that you let him believe something that wasn’t true.
Good luck with your promotion and with this challenge, I’m sure together the two of you can work out a solution that makes both of you happy. As for his parents, respect them, but their desires should not put pressure on either of you to produce a grandchild if you are not ready to be parents yet.
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