As my children have gotten older, and I have gotten older as well, one of the things I have learned is that unsolicited opinions seldom go over well. When our children are small, they don’t really have much say over whether we are telling them what to do or not (they still may not like it, however)—but as they get older, our unsolicited opinions and advice can come across as being more invasive or showing them that we neither trust or believe in them. Our kids build up resentment and we end up in a disagreement even though WE THINK we were “just trying to help.”
Think of how you felt as a teenager or young adult when your own parents tried to “tell you what to do”—sure, they were just trying to share wisdom and experience and really probably had your best interest in mind—but you didn’t want to hear it! Well, if you were anything like me, you didn’t want to hear it…unless you asked for it. I still go to my mother for advice, but she has learned wisely to NOT offer advice or opinions about my choices or life unless I ask her and I find with my own kids, things just go better if I either wait for them to ask for my input, or I ask them first before I offer advice or suggestions.
I think that it is not just about what we say, either. Standing over a child who is struggling with something and looking at them as if we are just waiting to offer our wise ideas is unfair too. It does the same amount of harm that offering up the unsolicited verbal advice does—kids feel insecure and angry; they think that we don’t trust them or have confidence in their ability to solve problems on their own, or that we are judging what they are doing. Instead, take a back seat and wait, chances are they will come to your for advice and opinions when they need it and have more respect for what you say because they have asked for it.
Also: Healthy Involvement Vs. Micromanaging
Sometimes the Best Action is No Action