We teach our children that there are no stupid questions. Bill Engvall makes a living through comedic observations of human interactions and choices. One of his catch phrases is “Here’s Your Sign.” He uses that to get a laugh when someone asks a stupid question.
While there are no stupid questions, there are wrong questions. Questions like:
- What did I ever do to you?
- Are you stupid?
- Don’t you care?
- Why do you always …
Those are the wrong questions, some obviously so and some not so obvious. They are the wrong questions because they are hostile questions. They imply an insult. They attack a person’s character. They are an opening salvo to a fight.
While you may very well want to fight, attacking the character of someone you love is not the way to do it. Many couples argue. Many couples fight. In fact, the healthiest of couples will disagree and even go so far as to yell at each other about it. So if even healthy couples fight and disagree, why are these questions still wrong?
The answer is simple: those questions are disrespectful.
When you and your spouse disagree, refrain from resorting to disrespect and petty tactics. Those are the weapons of childhood we should have long since lain down when we reached our majority. Unfortunately, when we’re angry – we sometimes resort to the methods of our childhood.
We argue by going on the offensive with offensive questions. Most of the time, we really don’t mean the things we say – we’re just angry. However, once the words are spoken they cannot be unspoken. They are on the record. We can apologize. We can make up. But we can’t take back what we said. Our spouses know this and even if they forgive us the transgression, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s there between you.
It happens to the best of us. The occasional slip is not something to worry over. But if the disrespect continues or becomes a theme in your disagreements, it’s time to work on asking the right questions. When you maintain mutual respect, in spite of your disagreements, you graduate from the playground to common ground.