“I just know he’s doing it to make me mad!” How often have we felt absolutely convinced that our child’s behavior (or that of a friend, coworker, spouse, family member, etc.) is intentionally directed toward us? How often do we discover that the behavior was not only NOT intentional, but it didn’t really have anything to do with us anyway? When facing behavior issues in our children, it can be a positive and important step to first try to determine motivation and figure out whether or not the behavior is intentional.
Sure, there are plenty of times when a child’s behavior is intentional. Of course, this does not mean that she is trying to make someone else mad or act out of spite. She might just be behaving in what seems the most reasonable why she can manage with her young mind. I have found that often my kids are not thinking about how their behavior is going to affect anyone else at all—especially not me.
But, other times, the behavior is not intentional—it is the result of something the child can’t control or perhaps he or she is coming down with a cold or illness, has a headache or is just feeling otherwise moody. We all get moody, after all, and I know that I don’t always know what is motivating me to behave the way I do—so it is asking an awful lot to expect a young child to be constantly in touch with his motivations and reasoning. This is where a parent needs to take a step back and ask his or herself what might be going on? What might the child’s motivations be? Is he doing it on purpose? Or is the behavior a result of something else that might be going on?
This isn’t to excuse behavior and misbehavior does need to be addressed—but by determining whether it is intentional, you’ll be half-way to getting to the heart of the matter and this will leave you better able to truly address the situation.
Also: It’s Okay to be Diverse With Discipline
Parents, Try Something New for a Change of Perspective