It’s important as a parent to recognize the developmental milestones and expectations we have for our children. Most parents understand it takes awhile for a newborn baby to learn how to walk and talk so no one is worried when a newborn doesn’t get up and walk. That would be a silly expectation and most people understand that it is not a developmental milestone for a newborn to walk. Most people understand that walking on average happens around the age of one-year-old.
The stages of Adoption have certain developmental milestones as well, however most people don’t understand what these milestones are and sometimes expectations are too high for an adopted child. Below is a list of some of the stages of adoption and the developmental milestones and how they relate to an adopted persons unique situation.
Birth through the Toddler Years
- Normal Life Issues: Basic trust, attachment to primary caretaker.
- Adoptee issues: Basic trust, attachment despite primary losses.
- Positive Parenting Responses: Provide high levels of nurturing, consistency and security.
Pre-School Years (Ages 2 ½ to 5)
- Normal Life Issues: Developing Independence, and competence in the family.
- Adoptee issues: Questioning age, “Why was I adopted?” and “Where did I come from?”
- Positive Parenting Responses: Provide truthful answers and have an open attitude with your child about the truth.
Early Grade School Age (Ages 6-10)
- Normal Life Issues: Begin to see themselves as a part of a peer group. Mastering skills and feeling competent.
- Adoptee issues: Questioning of the primary loss, an overall sense of being different some child her have issues over the primary rejection.
- Positive Parenting Responses: Parents provide information and help children deal with feelings of rejections. Development of open lines of communication are vital at this age.
PreAdolescence (Ages 8-12)
- Normal Life Issues: Bodies chance and peer relationships become very important.
- Adoptee issues: Adopted children often have questions about their birth family at this age and wonder about how they may appear or have similar talents as their birth family.
- Positive Parenting Responses: This is one of the most important times for parents to share any information or pictures of the birth family with their child. Answer any questions with concrete information. This is the age where grieving and self-esteem issues are most difficult for adopted children.
Early Adolescence (Ages 12-15)
- Normal Life Issues: Children tend to focus on peer groups more then family. This is when children typically develop their sexual identity.
- Adoptee issues: Adopted children may want to learn as much as possible about their birth family during this period. Many adopted children engage in a great deal of abstract thinking during their early adolescence.
- Positive Parenting Responses: Parents can best support their children by giving expressed permission to the child to think about their birth family.
Later Adolescence: (Ages 16-21)
- Normal Life Issues: Children are developing their own identity and planning for their futures. During this age, peers are much more important then family.
- Adoptee issues: This is the age where critical thinking becomes more developed and adopted children may consider search and reunion with their birth family.
- Positive Parenting Responses: Even if it is difficult this is the time when adoptive parents need to be supportive and help the adopted child find information to assist in their search.
It is nearly cliche to say, but Adoption is a lifelong journey and understanding our child’s developmental stages both as a regular child and as an adopted person may help them develop a healthy foundation and the independence, they need to become well-adjusted adults.
The next Blog entry in this series will look at Attachment as a Life Skill.
Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms:
A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z
For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.