Most parents don’t sit around and plan how they will respond to their child’s needs but when attachment parenting an adopted child planning can really make a big difference. A child we have parented from birth will develop a way of letting us know what they need, and when they are happy or not. A child with only one set of parents from birth has consistent care and knows what to expect from their parents. A child with a strong feeling of safety and security will know and trust us to respond and to be consistent in the way we respond.
Even a very young infant or toddler who has had a change in their caregiver has lost the feeling of security. If the child had to survive any amount of time in a situation where there was a safety risk or neglect then this child has no reason to expect anything from their new parents. Besides everything they are given will be different. Children may even forget about their other life if they are very young, but the primary feeling of security was broken and can lead to insecurity in the future.
One of the most important tactics for attachment that an adoptive parent can use at any time is Responding to the Arousal-Relaxation Cycle of our child. Okay, that sounds really medical-technical but, it’s really a very simple concept. It’s about responding to the needs of our child and being there every step of the way during even the most normal, and routine parts of life.
Ordinary parents learn to do this along the way, and their children learn what to expect. Our children have a life before us, and we need time to get to know our children. We have to actually plan to learn how to respond to our child, and what they need when they behave certain ways. In a real way, we have to pretend that we are starting with a newborn baby, and learning all the different meanings of each coo or cry. Most people don’t see it as a problem being over responsive to the needs of a newborn, but some people don’t understand the day your 13-month old or five-year-old is placed is the birth of a new family, and it is acceptable to be an over responsive parent for a little while.
Responding is such a huge part of Attachment Parenting that it will require more the one Blog entry. The next Blog will have more on the subject of Responding.
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Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms:
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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.