Every parent goes through this struggle, Dads and Moms alike, so here’s the first thing to remember. Most moms are the baby’s primary care giver and they will develop a different type of bond with their baby than you will have. This is perfectly normal and it has to do with the fact that the primary care giver is there morning, noon and night – they get up in the middle of the night, they spend the majority of their waking hours with this person (whether it’s mom or dad).
This doesn’t lessen the bond that baby feels for their Dad or their Mom if she isn’t the primary care giver. Remember – babies can hear when they are in the womb. They know Mom’s voice and scent – but they also know Dad’s voice. When my daughter was a baby, the sound of my husband’s voice was very soothing to her. There were many occasions that he was the only one who could soothe her.
What’s a Dad to do?
For the first several months, if Mom is the primary care giver then Dad needs to be the primary care giver for Mom. He needs to help her as much as possible and spend the time he can with the baby, playing, talking and developing his own bond with the baby. When Dad’s in charge of looking after the little one, don’t be offended when mom makes parenting suggestions. Moms need to also curb the need to take the baby away to just do it themselves.
Rarely will a mom say you are a bad father because you don’t do something like she does. The thing is – she’s likely the resident expert if she’s the primary care giver. If Dad is the primary care giver – chances are he’s the resident expert. Parents of infants need to emphasize the positives in their relationships with the baby – Dads need to admire how the baby looks at Mom and Moms need to emphasize how the baby responds to Dad’s voice.
What if we do something wrong?
Parents make mistakes – we all do. With your baby, you need to learn from them and from each other. Talk to your parents if you can, talk to your friends who have children and talk to your medical professionals. They say it takes a community to raise a child – and the baby’s mother and father are the primary members of his or her community.
Don’t worry if your baby seems to prefer mom to you right now dad, that will change and your baby is going to go through periods where it prefers dad to mom and then back again. The important thing is to be the best parents you can and to let the baby enjoy the benefits you both offer.