As many of you who read my blogs know by now, I’m a single mom with three high-school age teenagers–no spouse, no partner, just me on the front lines of near constant criticism. There really isn’t anyone around to pat me on the back and say things like “I really admire the way you handled that little snafu, there, Kori.” And while I have friends and a social life and do get some words of encouragement from external sources, I also get a fair amount of judgment, questioning and silence from the ranks of my support system (not to mention coworkers, strangers and dates.) Now, don’t get me wrong, I certainly tell my tales of woe and frustration to folks I can trust–but, in the heat of the parenting moment–there’s just me–solitary, on the front lines of the hormonal adolescent battle. I’m having to learn and relearn how to be my own cheerleader…
It’s not necessarily a bad thing–I think there’s a great deal of strength and character development that a person is forced to work on when she is the sole benevolent dictator. You know, had someone told me when my children were tiny and thought I was the most magnificent maternal specimen to ever grace the earth that I would someday be as popular as last year’s bell bottoms, I wouldn’t have listened anyway. Not me! I’m the fabulous mother and my perfect, angelic children know it. Okay, fast-forward a decade or so and I’m giving myself pep talks in the bathroom while I’m counting backward from twenty.
I don’t think this self-cheering thing applies only to single moms–I think we all need a big dose of self-induced “You’re doing so good!” about a dozen times a day (maybe two dozen times on really rough days.) We certainly get enough of the criticism and doubts–even if we had one “Rah! Rah! Rah!” for every two “You sucks” we’d be doing pretty darn good with the self-affirmations.
I have an inspirational friend who is loaded with self-esteem. She’s been one of my closest and dearest friends for over a decade and even though she can be very direct, one of my favorite things about her is that she is her own biggest, loudest and amazingly constant cheerleader. Once, when I asked her why, no matter what her size or how long it had been between hair cuts and colorings, she always declared how fabulous and irresistible she was, she answered boldly, “Well, why not? It’s certainly more fun and feels better than the alternative!” Her answer to any of her detractors or whenever my kids complained of problems at school was, “They’re just jealous!” Do I need to tell you how refreshing it is to be around someone who refuses to go in for self doubt and take on other people’s judgment? So, when I start to feel battered by criticism and the lone struggles of single parenthood, I try to channel my dear friend and give myself a cheer or two to get things back in perspective. After all, she’s absolutely right, it feels much better than the alternative!
See Also: Letting Go of the Guilt and Mentors and Thank Goodness for Mentors!