Perhaps I’m a naturally “uncurious” person. But since I belong to my parents, I can’t imagine going to look for another mother, or what place this person could possibly hold in my life. Of course I realize a birth mother wouldn’t be “another mother”, and yet how do you define a relationship with someone who has given you life biologically, and at the same time given you nothing of the life you know now. I have never felt the need to look for this person to help define who I am. My identity, I feel, is largely formed in how I respond to and look at life. I am not formed by this other woman.
In my mind, identity is a matter of perspective. Many adoptees have the idea that they were “unwanted.” They wrestle with the idea in their mind, and struggle to come to terms with being “unwanted.” As for me, I look at it in completely the opposite way. I was desperately “wanted.” My adoptive parents went through a lot to adopt me–plain and simple. They were overjoyed when they got me, and they’ve always “wanted” me.
Following the question regarding whether I’ve wanted to search for my birth parents, generally comes the question, “Do you know why your birth mother gave you up?”
I don’t. I don’t need to know either. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her though, and even more so since becoming a mother. Perhaps she thought she couldn’t handle another child. Perhaps she couldn’t afford another child. But regardless of her inability to keep me, she did go through the pregnancy (which I can tell you is not easy!). I cannot imagine the circumstances that would lead a woman to give up her child, and so I have to believe that she really did what she thought was best for me.
In the end, it all comes down to what we define as family, identity, and our purpose in life. As for my definition of family? Well, it changes. My family has been my adoptive parents, my fellow residents in my dorm, my close friend, and of course my own husband and children.
A person‘s identity, in my opinion, has so little to do with what they accomplish in life. Identity is influenced by who loves us and who we love. But it seems that as I’m getting older, I am learning that who I am is truly defined by my responses to life’s circumstances. I cannot control the various situations that arise, but I can always choose how I respond.
As for my purpose in life, I simply hope to be a good wife and mother. It’s not really all that complicated I’m afraid. But I cannot be consumed by the search for another person who I do not know. For these reasons, I have never wanted to, nor do I intend to look for my birth parents.