Every single parenting situation is different. In my case, my son’s father and his family are not involved in Jonathan’s life at all. They have never even seen Jonathan with the exception of his aunt, who accidentally stopped by to visit my brother at his house when we were there. When she realized we were there, she quickly left again. In our case at this time, it’s easy to decide who should be there. Because every situation is different though, this isn’t the case for everyone.
I think first and foremost, because it is the child’s day, the child should have the choice of who should be there. If s/he wants both mom and dad there, then that should be the plan. If s/he wants grandparents on both sides there they should all be invited as well. I know that this would not necessarily be an easy situation to deal with. If Jonathan decided he wanted to invite his dad this year, I would do everything within my power to get him there. I would hope for Jonathan’s sake that his dad would actually show up. If he did, I would focus on Jonathan and continually remind myself that this is his day and I need to do whatever I can to make it a happy day for him.
I don’t know how his father or his father’s family would act if he did show up for one of Jonathan’s birthdays. I have however, seen a wide range of actions of fathers and mothers who don’t have custody of the child. I’ve seen the vindictive, the angry, the antagonizers, the sorrowful, the ones that have come to terms, the “fun” ones. The negative are the hardest to have around on special days.
If they are behaving in negative ways, making backhanded comments, saying mean, hurtful, or spiteful things, it needs to stop. Don’t react to it in front of the child if they are there when the things are said. “Can I speak with you in the other room?” Once away from the child just tell them, “This is So-and-so’s day. I want it to be a happy day for them. Please stop saying the mean and hurtful things in front of them, because you are hurting them as much or more than me by doing this.” If they continue to make these comments after they make the comment, ask the child how they are enjoying their day, or tell them you are glad that they are enjoying it. Bring it back to the child and the plans.
Don’t allow them to hurt you. Don’t allow them to ruin the child’s day. Instead of letting them fill you with pain and anger, allow it to fill you with pity for this person. They are so full of anger that they can’t let go that it is really hurting them already. Don’t allow it to hurt you too.
Just can’t deal with Having the other family there? Already tried and it just doesn’t work? Read Birthdays: Can’t Have Them There
Also see Tips for Surviving Divorce with Children for ways to keep the children out of it.