From the moment we are born, our body belongs to us. Our body is part of our human signature. Babies may need to rely on adults to care for them but each baby’s body is still unique: they have their own skin, tone, imprints, hair, voice, size and shape.
A newborn baby has little understanding of where their body begins and ends, so as loving carers, we engage in touch, good touch, to teach our babies what is theirs and what is ours. We stroke them, massage them and put clothes on them to give a message of body boundaries and respect.
Children who are at risk of sexual abuse, or who have already been sexually assaulted often don’t have any idea of their own body size or where their body boundaries begin and end. Too often, they fail to recognize their real size in relation to a potential perpetrator. Sometimes the children think they are as big as the perpetrator and sometimes they see themselves as much smaller and helpless than everybody else in their family. This size confusion can be a result of lowered self-esteem and something that perpetrators may focus on in their grooming process (watch out for my blog on grooming). Because of this dreadful grooming that perpetrators trick people with it is important to teach our children body ownership and to assist in ensuring they have a healthy self-esteem.
Here are some protective play ideas you can introduce to grow body ownership. It is not a complete list, and you can redesign any of these play ideas to suit your child’s age, personality or needs. Blend these suggestions into normal household activities and play. Make it natural and frequent: daily is best to help children remember that their body belongs to them.
Gingerbread person: Using a gingerbread person cutter you can show your child the out line of the gingerbread body. Explain that every person has their own body outline and that each of us is different. Our body outline is our boundary and protector. Nobody can touch us if we don’t want them to.
Atlas/Globe: Using maps or a globe show that every state/suburb/country has a boundary. The boundary shows the body of the country. Most of these countries have armies that help to protect the boundary. Our clothes are like an army. They help to protect our body and give a sign to other people that certain parts of our body are private – the parts we wear underwear or swimming costumes over.
Paper doll chains: Make a paper doll chain with your child. As part of the game show how the dolls are holding hands or touching feet but not touching any other body parts. This is because some dolls (and people) don’t like being touched and we must respect that. Sometimes we don’t like being touched and we can use our words to tell, but dolls don’t have words so they have to tell us by allowing touching hands only.
Body outlines: As an activity to display different body size, have your child lie on a big piece of paper with their legs together. Draw around their body. Then have the child draw around yours and compare sizes. Stick the body outlines to the wall as a way to visually display the difference in size between an adult and a child. Tell the child that it is an adult’s job to look after children because adults are bigger and can do more things. WARNING – never draw around a child’s genital area. Children who have been sexually abused may interpret this as a sexual behaviour and become confused about it. Also, perpetrators may use this exercise as a way to desensitize children against having their private parts touched or looked at.
Photo collages: Using pictures cut from magazines, make a people collage. Talk about the difference in size between adults and children and stress that adults look after children, not hurt them or do adult type things with them (like making them do all the housework or kissing like big people).
Swimming costumes: Use dressing or swimming time to introduce private parts. The parts that our swimmers or underwear cover are private parts of our body that we don’t share with other people. They are ours and nobody can touch them. Exceptions are parents washing and health workers checking. When children say, “What will I draw?” respond “How about a picture of you in your swimmers? Remember to cover your private parts, and don’t forget a hat”.
A word a week: Correct names of body parts: Many parents are uncomfortable with using the correct name for body parts. To provide your child with the best protection, they need to know the correct name for their private areas and require instruction from you that nobody can touch them in those places unless Mum or Dad are washing them or they are sick and the doctor or nurse needs to look there. It can be hard to introduce the correct names if you have been using nicknames since the child was born. Overcome this by introducing a game of “A word a week”. By teaching a new word a week, say “partition”, or “adventurous” you are normalizing the introduction of words of the week like vagina, penis, anus, and breasts.
Fences and doors: Explain to children that the reason we have fences or doors is to give a message of defensible space: space that belongs to us and says “Private. No entry”. That’s why we shut the toilet door when we go to the toilet! Sand play is a great way to reinforce defensible space. When your child builds a sand castle, tell them that strong walls and moats were a castle’s protection and that a sun hat and sun cream are the child’s protection now, just like wearing swimming costumes to protect private parts.
By including protective play into your child’s everyday life, you will be giving the gift of protection from sexual abuse. Even though you may feel uneasy and awkward when you start doing it, it does become easier and natural. Start today and let me know how you went. If you have any other ideas for encouraging Body ownership through play, please share them so that others can try them too. Imaginif…one shared play idea kept one hundred children safe.