It has always struck me as strange that while we want our children to grow into confident, assertive adults, we do not allow them to practice assertiveness as children. Although many toddlers start out saying “no” on every occasion, we soon halt this learning by telling the babies that saying “no” is not nice. Sexual abuse is not nice either and when children have been trained to never say “no” to grown ups, they become easy targets for predators.
Saying “no” is not a form of disrespect. It is an example of assertiveness and high self-esteem. Of course, there will be times when “no” is an unacceptable answer from your child. For example, “Tidy your room please”, or “Hop in the car we’re going to school now”, but children with healthy self-esteem will usually understand that some things are age and family appropriate while some other things will not tolerated.
To confidently say “no”, people need practice. Children need practice while young so they will grow into confident adults. Set up situations where you know your child will say “no”, and provide them with experiences of having their “no” listened to, and respected.
Many perpetrators will say, “They didn’t say no so therefore they like it.” Do not be fooled by this. People of all ages don’t say “no” to an abusive situation because they are scared, unsure of what to do, embarrassed or confused by what is happening. For children, it is particularly difficult to say “no” to a grown up perpetrator. We have trained our children to respect adults and to do as told.
Are we training our children to be submissive and easy targets? As parents, we want our children to be healthy and happy but we are scared that they will be out of control if they start saying “no” all the time. Think of the prevalence statistic of one in three children affected by sexual abuse. If only these children had known they could say “no” and tell someone, they might have been spared from a life plagued by guilt, confusion and multiple abuses. Yes, once a child is sexually assaulted they remain at risk of repeated sexual abuse. It takes a particularly strong child to be able to say “no.” Protect your child by encouraging the use of the word “no” in appropriate situations. Some encouraging activities follow:
Broccoli: My children are the only children I know who love broccoli! To practice saying “no”, purposely ask your child if they would like a food item they particularly dislike. When they say “no”, do not argue with them, respect their view, and do not serve them the offensive food. This is practice at saying “no” to an adult in a trusted and authority position.
Choice: Many parenting programs suggest not giving too many choices to our children. While too many choices confuse children, no choice constipates emotional and moral development. Always provide two choices for young children, e.g., “jam or peanut butter?” If they answer, “jam”, repeat the opposite, “peanut butter?” This provides an opportunity for children to practice being assertive, i.e.: “No Daddy, I said jam.”
No entry: Create a rule of knocking in your family home. If a door is closed, family members must knock and await an answer prior to entry. Closed doors give a message of defensible and private space. Tell your children this. Perpetrators accessing children in their family home will not want anyone else to know, so they will not knock on closed doors, they will sneak in quietly. If your family knocks, it creates an air of respect and expectation. When somebody enters without knocking, it will become an orange light behaviour (touching) and alert the child to something not quite right. To make a KNOCK FIRST door hanger, check out Sherry’s instructions in her recent blog.
“N.O.” game: When driving long distances it is always good to have a range of car games to play. This game relies on players coming up with different explanations of the acronym (another word of the week word – see “Correct name for body parts” in Body Ownership) “N.O.” “N.O.” might stand for: “Naughty Ogre”, “No Oranges”, Nice Orangutans”, “Night Owls”, “Nifty Oscar”, etc. This game aims to desensitize children to
say “no.” It also provides a situation where a parent encourages playing with the word “no.” Children’s work is their play. Play is how they learn to integrate new information and practice new skills.
Chants: School sports days are great for encouraging children to learn chants and to practice them on every possible occasion! When your children are at this developmentally appropriate stage introduce a chant that encourages saying “no.” The international Reclaim the Night women and children’s movement uses a chant that children easily remember: “Yes means yes, No means no, wherever we are, wherever we go.”
Don’t hang the person: This game is a variation of the world favorite “Hang Man”. Pick a statement that fits your child’s situation and incorporates being able to say “no”. For example, “When someone wants you to be low, you can turn around and tell them “no”!” It is important to pick a long statement with lots of different letters because you do not want your child to end up hanged. Make this impossible to happen. For the example statement you would draw the spaces up as:
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – -, – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – “- -!”.
As the child says a letter from the alphabet, you write it in the appropriate space. If the child picks a letter that is not contained in the statement, one part of the hangman stand with dangling stick body is drawn.
This game can include statements to fit any of the BITSS pieces. I always follow the statement up by asking the child how they will say “no” to someone bigger than them selves, or in a position of power. I do this to help cement the ability to say “no” and to increase the child’s confidence that there are some things that big people cannot do: no matter how much authority they have.
What are your thoughts about saying “no”? The more we talk about this, the quicker we can save our children from harm.