Children most at risk of sexual abuse are those without support networks – a range of trusted adults to talk to. Once we lived in extended family groups, nowadays we tend to be isolated from our emotional supports. We may live busy lives with little time for just chatting with our children or friends.
Support networks are important for all of us. Predators love children with few supports. Worse still, predators will groom the few supports and trick them into believing that the child is lying about sexual abuse. To counteract this, remain in contact with friends: talk, listen, and support. When we do this, we model good relationships to our children, teaching them it’s okay to talk to others and to have lives outside the family home.
Some families have become isolated due to moving for work or cheaper housing. They may have no one they know, can talk to or to call on for support. This is one of the reasons many communities have Neighborhood and Women’s Centres. Isolation places us at risk and if the only supports we have are community agencies then they are there for us to use. Children also need supports. When parents are isolated and unable to model talking about problems or worries to friends, children remain at a loss as to whom they can talk to.
Here’s a few ideas to help your child understand that it’s okay to talk to people they trust.
Hand: Use the symbol of a hand to encourage having five support people that a child can contact at any time. It could be Mom, Dad, Teacher, Grandma, Aunty. The list of possibilities is endless. The idea is to ensure that your child remembers they can talk to these people about anything at all. In situations where you just don’t know enough trusted people, use the names of services like Kids Help Line (in Australia, 1800 55 1800), or Police.
This needs to be continually reinforced so that when your child is feeling stressed about something, particularly if it is sexual abuse, they can look at their hand and remember what to do: to call and tell someone. Tell your child that if the first support person is not available, go to the next, or the next. Encourage children to keep telling until someone does something to help and protect them.
Trace the child’s hand. On each of the fingers have the child write the name and telephone number of their five chosen support people. It’s best to tell the people they’ve been chosen so that if your child rings, they will listen and do something. Stick the hand to a wall where the child will continually see it, and practice, practice, practice remembering who to tell if they need to talk about anything.
Fan: Fold a piece of paper into five concertinaed sections to make a fan shape. Write the name of a support person on each fold, and their telephone number on the back. Decorate the fan however, the child wants: drawings, glue pretty things on, etc. This is slightly more fun than the hand exercise as the child has something they can play with.
It is good to keep changing the way you present support network information. Instead of a hand or a fan, use a picture of an umbrella with five different sections, or a row of five paper dolls (see body ownership). The next idea is a favorite of mine.
Walkie Talkies: Encourage your child to walk and talk to any of their support people about anything that they may want to discuss. Sometimes children are so worried about telling a support person something personal that the actual plan of how to get to the person is forgotten. If you have used some of the earlier ideas about having the phone numbers handy of support people to talk to, children may innocently overlook the people closest to them that they can turn to for support. Along with phoning someone, walking and talking is another way to get support. If Dad’s in the kitchen, it’s just as easy to walk out to him and tell him what’s on their mind. Likewise, if at school, they could walk to their teacher during little or big lunch and tell them.
Decorating feet, and calling them “Walkie Talkies” is FUN. Draw around the outline of your child’s foot. Each toe is a support. Decorate the toes to resemble a particular chosen support person. For example, if the big toe is Dad, decorate it with wool similar to Dad’s hair coloring. Ask your child to draw in the facial features using the best colour to match eyes or lips with a colour that matches Aunty Jean’s lipstick. Be creative. Use scrap materials or just pencils. Underneath the decorated toes, write a statement to remind your child to walk and talk to their support people: i.e., “I walk to Mom, I walk to Gran, I walk to Pete and Uncle Ted, I walk all day to find Louise, now I need you to help me please.”
A dress book: Change the “Walkie Talkie” into “A dress book”. Using the decorated “Walkie Talkie” as the base, draw around the lower part of the foot template (draw a straight line under where the toes begin to separate) and cut out five separate pieces. Decorate the 5 bits and staple to the side of the foot to create a little booklet. Decorate the top heelpiece to look like clothes—a dress, or shirt and shorts. This is the top cover. On the remaining pieces, write the name of the support person, their address, telephone number and any extra information needed, for example: “Works from 10am to 2pm at Safeway.” Your child will know when their support person is likely to be home. Use the base section to record the last support person’s details. Staple the heel pages together on the left side of the “Walkie Talkie”. Children love little books so you can include more pages. Who knows, it may just act as a diary to record private thoughts into.
Telephone practice: Teach your child to use the telephone. It is no good providing support information if they don’t know how to make contact. Using play telephones, teach telephone etiquette (Hello, it’s Megan here. Can I speak with Susie please?). Next you ring a family member, allow your child to dial. Without practice, they may be unable to make that call if needed.
Phone card: For older children, provide them with a phone card and show them how to use a phone box. Believe it or not, not all children have mobile phones!
Board games: Whereas many board games are competitive, consider buying a collaborative game next time. A collaborative game has no single winner. The game relies on team members pulling together to help each other. Teamwork is an important part of relationships. For children who don’t play sport they may have few opportunities to learn the importance of team support.
What other ideas do you have for teaching support networks to your children?