Any touch can quickly turn from good to bad. So too can sexual activity and the grooming process that leads up to sexual abuse. Therefore, it is VERY important your child understands good touches/bad touches. Just as adults have the authority to say no at any time, so too do children. If someone is cuddling them and then tries to touch their private parts, children need to know this is a bad touch and they can say no and go and tell someone, even if the cuddle was good at first and they really wanted it.
Most children are familiar with the idea of bad touches that come from nowhere. If someone came up to your child in the playground and hit them, this would definitely be a bad touch. If someone grabs them in the shopping mall, this is a bad touch. If their sister runs off with their favourite toy, this is a bad touch. This is easy for children to understand.
Many parents teach about stranger danger and children dragged into a car by a person who pretends to know the parents. While this does still happen and children need to be aware of this danger, they are at FAR GREATER risk of sexual abuse from someone in their own home. Approximately eighty five percent of reported child sexual abuse is perpetrated by somebody well known to the child. It is VERY IMPORTANT that parents teach about how good touches can sometimes turn into bad touches. It could prevent abuse by making at home predators think twice because your child is well informed and might tell.
Nature and daily life are full of examples to use as teachable good touch/bad touch moments. The following ideas will give you something to start with. Look for other examples all around you. I prefer to use examples of good touches leading to bad and unwanted sexual touches but I know that some parents are frightened of spoiling their child’s innocence by introducing the topic of child sexual abuse. However, while our children remain at risk of being sexually abused it is our responsibility to ensure that they know that sometimes trusted adults, including family members, can use good touches to trick them into accepting bad touches.
Just to further confuse this, sometimes children enjoy the bad sexual touches. They feel loved and wanted and think this is normal activity. This is partly due to the way our bodies function and partly because perpetrators groom the children and other adults around them to believe this is acceptable and normal. Do not be fooled. Have clear boundaries (Body ownership) and use as many occasions as you can to reinforce the good touch bad touch thermometer in discussions about child sexual assault.
Rule poster: Make up a collage that shows good touches that turn to bad touches. Even an ice cream on a hot day leading up to a melted ice cream and a sad child is a great example of good touch to bad touch and is something that most children would be able to identify with. Draw a big red line through the middle of the collage, through the behaviours that are beginning to become suspicious, and tell your children that it is at this point that they must tell the person that they are going to tell on them. This is not tittle-tattling. This is you protecting your children against the possibility of sexual abuse.
Traffic Lights: When teaching children colors many parents use some sort of reward system for when the child gets the colour right. If you show behaviours as traffic lights, where green is good touch, orange is suspicious or iffy “I’m going to tell” touch, and red is “No way! I’m telling now” touch, it is easy for them to remember that behaviours can change from go to stop. Reward your child for correct guessing of behaviours. A sticker, or a story, is better than a food reward as food and good nutrition is a child’s right.
Flowers: As beautiful as some flowers may be, they have the potential to turn from a good touch to a bad touch. Use them as an example. Running up to smell a beautiful flower may result in a prick by a thorn, bee sting, or getting a rash on your face from poison leaves or petals. People too can start being nice but end up hurting us with their words or touch.
Animals: Many parents warn children about patting dogs, “Be careful! That dog might bite”. This is a perfect example of good touch/bad touch. Use these teachable moments to explain that sometimes, good things can turn to bad things. Children need to watch for changes and know when to back away. If you are patting a cat and its tail starts flicking it is the cat’s early warning sign to us that it is unhappy. Your child is at risk of being bitten or scratched by the cat.
Miming: When the children are bored and ask what they can do, as a fun alternative to suggesting they clean their rooms, play a miming game, similar to Charades. Mime a good touch that turns to a bad touch and then mime going to tell someone what has happened. The good touch/bad touch mime does not need to be around abuse. It could be kissing a friend with bad breath and the kiss turns into a breath holding session. If you choose to mime a cuddle that turns to a sexual touch, please follow it up with a discussion about body ownership and the importance of telling someone what has happened.
Imaginif…your way of teaching the move from good to bad touch was just what another family needed. Would you be willing to share it?