For many of us single parents, most of the time we can get away with NOT having to interact with our ex-in-laws or other extended family members on a regular basis. In fact, as the children get older—even parents who have shared custody may find that they rarely have to talk to each other. When major life events come along, however—such as a wedding, funeral, birth of a baby, or (as is my current family situation, graduation)—we are forced to have to figure out how to get along, coordinate and/or detach in order to salvage what sanity we can.
I was talking recently with a “friend who has been there” about how the most stressful part of my two girls graduating is not dealing with them or the details that graduating and going to college entails—it is the whole blended-divorced-modern family dynamics that need to be coordinated and endured. There is just something about intense major events that seems to add stress and bring out the best and worst in people. It highlights past dysfunctions, and can trigger old issues. Not to mention, you just have all of those different agendas smooshed together in one chaotic pot!
I wish that I could offer wise words of sage wisdom—but I’m not there yet! Since I am still in the midst of it myself, I can only add some support and understanding. The truth is, unless you are an amazing miraculous divorced and blended family with no baggage, it is going to be challenging. I will share some tips for how to cope in “part two” of this series but to get you started: try focusing on the person the event is about AND keep your mind on what is best for the child or children. It may very well be the same person or people (as is my case in the graduations). This can help to take the focus off your own issues and triggers.