I promised when I was writing Part One of this series on getting through major family events when you are part of a blended, divorced, and rearranged modern family that I would write this article providing tips for HOW to actually cope and survive. I do think there are some skills and coping mechanisms that can make it less stressful.
Try to remember that you STILL cannot control what other people do or how they react. I know this can be a hard one and I am one of those single parents whose first inclination is try to organize the situation to death in hopes that I can create order out of chaos and if I just plan things well enough—everything will go smoothly. Wrong! People are going to do and say what they will and no amount of structure and planning is going to keep that from happening. Instead, I know that I feel better when I can focus on planning an organization and help out with the details and as long as I am doing it for myself and not as a way to try to foolishly control what anyone else does or says it can be healthy.
Additionally, try to detach from past triggers. My sixteen-year-old son has actually been a great teacher for me in this one. As he has reminded me—people are who they are and they are going to do and say things according to old patterns and habits; I cannot control or change that. The only person I can control or change is me. I can walk away or choose a different reaction or response than I have been historically known to do. His suggestion is to laugh it off or pretend I heard something else. Hey, just because he is a kid does not mean he hasn’t developed a few coping skills too!
Finally, interact as little as possible with those exes, family members and ex-in-laws that are big triggers. Don’t try to force yourself to play nice and friendly old family if it is impossible. It is just a recipe for disaster. We can be cordial and polite, but we don’t need to do anything more than we can actually handle decently. If reminiscing makes you crazy, don’t feel forced into doing it. Find allies and stick with them. I think it is perfectly okay to have different “camps” at major family events like weddings, funerals, graduations, etc. The key is that the camps are not warring or bickering. Just stick with the people who make you feel good and minimize your contact with the others. Remember it is all temporary and you can soon go back to your life. As another divorced friend of mine has reminded me: Remember, you really have been pardoned and released, you are just having to endure a visitor’s day!