Some children become so discouraged with their sense of self that they simply withdraw. Rather than compete with other kids, which they feel they can’t do because of their many inadequacies, they choose not to participate. And rather than disappoint the adults in their lives, they choose to build a wall of silence. These are the students who sit in the corner, fiddling with a pencil, refusing to raise their hand or join the group. They often feel frustrated by adult attempts to engage them in conversation or to force them to participate.
As I have noted in previous blogs, there are four mistaken goals children may have which lead to misbehavior. Each of these goals is a mistaken attempt to belong. All children want acceptance, love, and to “fit in” somewhere. Here are the four mistaken goals:
- Seeking Attention.
- Seeking Power.
- Seeking Revenge.
- Seeking Emotional Isolation.
The child who chooses emotional isolation does it as a form of protection. Her way of belonging is to avoid failure and rejection. If she’s not failing or being rejected, then she “belongs.” So she prevents those possible outcomes by remaining withdrawn. Some children will go as far as to refuse to speak, period. There is a condition called “elective mutism” where children, for unknown emotional reasons which might include trauma or abuse, will choose not to speak or respond, as though they were mute. Even when questions are directly posed to them, they will stare into space with no response. Adults who don’t understand this condition often become extremely irritated and feel challenged or threatened by the behavior. Typically the child becomes “mute” in the classroom, and not at home.
There are three characteristics of children who purposely seek emotional isolation:
- They are ambitious. Deep down, they desperately want to achieve and succeed. It’s just that they have created unreasonable goals for themselves that they can’t possibly accomplish. And they’re afraid to take risks and try, because others might discover just how inadequate they are. It’s easier just to check out.
- They are competitive. They want to do better than the children around them, but feel they can’t. Rather than enter the race and lose, they refuse to participate at all.
- Their self esteem has been damaged by some outside factor/s. Perhaps they have felt humiliation or scorn because of actions of their peers. Perhaps they have experienced some form of abuse at home or school. Parents or teachers may be constantly expressing disappointment in them. Rather than feel hurt anymore, they disconnect.
What can be done?
These children need encouragement above all. Any small attempt to participate should be praised, yet without babying the child in front of peers. Parents should express trust. “I know you can do this. You always do a great job.” Parents might also share personal experiences of times they’ve felt frustrated or worthless in their past. The child needs to understand that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Taking part in an activity, where the parent can “goof” might be helpful. “Whoops…I used too much red. Oh well, I’ll make it into something else.” When the child makes a mistake, the parent or teacher should show understanding and support. “Lots of kids make that mistake, that’s normal. You are so good at trying your best, I know you can get it. Here, I’ll show you a little trick.”
In the book, “Ghost Girl” by Torey Hayden, an author and teacher of troubled children who specialized in elective mutism, she described her method for getting an elective mute to speak. She said she had to set up, right from the first moment, the expectation that the child would talk. Other teachers would simply shrug off the silence and accept it. “Molly doesn’t speak,” etc. But Torey, upon first meeting the child, would calmly repeat a question over and over with a quizzical expression, many times until the child answered her. Then, once it was established that the child would speak to her, the elective mutism seemed to unravel and disappear.
Children with emotional disturbances are eligible for special education, according to the Individuals with Disabilities Education Improvement Act of 2004. (IDEA.)
Kristyn Crow is the author of this blog. Visit her website by clicking here. Some links on this blog may have been generated by outside sources are not necessarily endorsed by Kristyn Crow.