Will my child and I be close? Will my child love me? Will I love my child? These are some of the most common questions and concerns not only for a prospective adoptive couple, but also any new parent waiting the birth of their baby. However, when you are waiting to adopt a baby, toddler, or older child, the question of attachment and bonding takes on a different dimension.
Keep in mind that asking yourself the questions; “Will I love my child? Can I love an adopted child as much as I would love my birth child?” are perfectly normal and natural questions to ask. Most adoptive parents have at one time or another asked themselves these questions. But some feel guilt for having these thoughts and fears. After all, it can seem difficult to imagine being able to love someone who you have no connection with at all. It could be compared to meeting a stranger on the street. Other than love at first sight, which is about attraction, could you love that person in that moment?
Much of the fear lies in the fact that there will be no genetic ties between you and your child. One of the greatest losses when facing infertility is grieving the loss of your genetics. For some couples this can take time to overcome. However, once you have overcome this issue you should be able to feel the deep emotional tie that you have with your child. It can be stronger than any genetic tie. For adoptive parents who are able to understand, accept, and feel comfortable with this loss, their capacity to see that they can love an adopted child is greater.
It is more important to admit that you have this fear and address it, instead of denying the thoughts because you may feel guilt. It is often this guilt that will prevent prospective adoptive parents from talking openly about it. Some prospective adoptive parents are not sure who to talk to about this concern. If you talk to the adoption agency, will they not let you adopt? If it is a private adoption, do you ask the attorney? However, it is important that concerns and fears are discussed. Some agencies will talk to you openly about your capacity to love an adopted child. You may also be able to attend an adoption support group where you could talk about your fears. Also, talk to other adoptive parents to find out what it feels like to love their child.
If after you have discussed your fears, you find that you are still having thoughts about your capacity to love an adopted child, you may want to consider postponing your adoption plans. This is not to say that you need not adopt. In the future these concerns and fears may get resolved or diminish. At that time you will be fully capable of embracing the adoption journey.