Prolific adoption writer Patricia Irwin Johnston is herself an adoptive parent of three. Her husband and sister-in-law were also adopted. Pat has been a writer, speaker, educator and advocate on adoption topics for nearly 20 years.
While moderating an internet support group for waiting parents, she found many prospective adoptive parents reporting insensitive comments and myths about adoption that they were hearing from family members. Many waiting parents also noted that people didn’t seem to know what to say when they announced that they were adopting, and that before and after the baby arrived they didn’t have the traditional supportive rituals that families often give to parents when a child is born to them. These may include baby showers, help with meals, offers to share a family cradle, Christening gown or other heirloom. Employers may be less understanding of the need to take time off to bond with a baby if they see the purpose of maternity leave as medical recovery. Well-meaning relatives may either fail to support parents as they would have for a birth child, or may overwhelm the new parents, forgetting that while thy have not given birth, they are still sleep-deprived and under stress, and need time to “cocoon” as a nuclear family.
Johnston is attempting to fill this knowledge gap with the publication of Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends MUST Know. The comprehensive resource contains chapters entitled, “Your Worst Fears”, which deals head-on with fears aroused by sensational cases of adoption gone wrong; and “How Adoption Works”, which gives an overview of international adoption, adoption from the U.S. foster care system, and domestic infant adoptions—both agency-arranged and “private” adoptions using an attorney or facilitator.
Johnston explains how adoption has changed over the years. She explains the adoption process. Especially helpful chapters were those on how to support adoptive parents as they prepare for the child, and after the child’s birth.
Johnston also explains how children adopted at different ages are likely to react to the transition, and how children may deal with the fact of their adoption at different stages of life.
She also includes a section on respecting the privacy of the child’s story and not pressuring the parents to share information. There is a brief section on how to handle it if an older child or teen confides feelings about his adoption to you, as another caring adult in his life, that he may not share with his parents.
The final chapter is called “Adoption and the Rest of the World”. This addresses “adoptism” prejudice, adoption in the media, and “adopt-a-whale”-type misuses of the word “adoption”. It also includes a section on Respectful Adoption Language(also called Positive Adoption Language).
A section on sharing your culture and learning about the culture of an adopted child’s heritage is included. However, very little is said about racial issues that might be encountered in a transracial adoption.
Mention is made of delays that may be experienced by children who’ve been in institutions, although specific disabilities, including fetal alcohol exposure, are not covered.
Johnston says that for ease, she writes her book as if addressing grandparents, but her suggestions apply to any relative or friend who is concerned about the adopting parents. She includes notes on how you may feel if you were adopted or were an adoptive parent yourself. She tells grandparents and relatives that discipline techniques that worked well for their own children may not be the same as those being used by the adoptive parents, on the advice of professionals who have advised them about attachment based on the age and history of their child.
This is a thorough resource. It is more complete than When Friends and Family Ask about Adoption, which I’ve reviewed here, although When Friends and Family Ask is shorter and would perhaps be more likely to be read by others. It is, however, focused on domestic adoption of infants who are born to young, single mothers. Adoption is a Family Affair covers many types of adoption, many situations of birthparents, and diverse adoptive families.
The book Cross-Cultural Adoption, reviewed here by my co-blogger Shoshanna, is a great resource for questions that children may ask about adoption. It would be a good resource to give parents of cousins, neighbors, or any kids who will interact extensively with your child.