The book-Changes That Heal, How to Understand Your Past to Ensure a Healthier Future by Dr. Henry Cloud is a great read for people who have been through difficult life circumstances-including divorce.
The book is written from a Christian perspective and the four main areas that if cultivated would improve our daily lives. Those areas are:
1. Bonding with others
2. Separate ourselves from others
3. Sort out issues of good and bad
4. Take charge as an adult
Beginning to bond with others occurs before we are even born. We hear our mother or fathers voices while still in the womb and there is when our first bonding begins to occur. The author describes bonding as “The ability to establish an emotional attachment to another person. It’s the ability to relate to another on the deepest level.” If a deep bond exists then we are able to share our inner most thoughts, and dreams without fear of rejection. In too many cases parental bonds are not formed properly. This can be due to a myriad of factors such as mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse, and many others. Children who do not experience the deep bonds of love with their parents can have lasting negative effects and delayed emotional and physical growth.
The author explains that when we do not bond with people in an appropriate manner, it is difficult to set healthy boundaries with people. In other words we often let people walk all over us or demand too much from others. Part of the growth process is being able to separate ourselves from others. This typically begins around age two when young toddlers begin demanding their own way and establishing him or herself as an individual and not just an extension of the parents. We have to have healthy boundaries in order to have a healthy self-identity.
A good analogy of healthy boundaries that I heard years ago involved two quarters to represent two people. If you place two quarters about two inches from each other on a table they are too far apart and the relationship will not be close enough. If you place one quarter on top of the other this represents a relationship whose boundaries are too close. The relationship will suffocate. An ideal relationship has the quarters placed side by side touching each other.
Understanding that all relationships will have good and bad moments is crucial to their success. Determining to work through the bad while enjoying the good will help people to endure. Having an attitude of expecting things to go wrong is not necessarily healthy, but understanding that sometimes it rains on our parade is healthy.
The final chapters titled “What is Adulthood” and “When We Fail To Grow Up” are especially helpful in attempting to form new positive qualities and behaviors. Even through divorce, death and abuse we can learn, through time and hard work, to live happy healthy lives.
The book has a study guide that would be great to work through individually or in a small group. It is available through Amazon.com for a bargain price of just over $3 for a used copy.