We don’t have enough books about the birthmother’s perspective on adoption (The Tummy Mummy and The Mulberry Bird being happy exceptions). Fortunately, one birthmother has written a book for her child to read if she ever asks whether her first mother loved her. Kathryn Ann Miller has fortunately chosen to share her response with all of us, realizing that not all of us will have access to our children’s birthparents and that not all birthparents will be able to articulate their feelings.
Miller’s book: Did My First Mother Love Me? –A Story for an Adopted Child opens with a girl named Morgan wondering about her other mother, although she knows her parents love her very much. When she asks about her first mother, her mother reads aloud the letter that her birthmother left for her. That letter comprises most of the text of the book.
The letter opens, “My Dear Child, the day I first learned about you was a very important day in my life.” She goes on to describe the excitement and love she felt as her pregnancy progressed and the baby moved.
She listed all of her wishes for her baby—two loving parents who could give her lots of attention, laughter, and a safe home, perhaps with a yard and a dog.
“Each day I thought about all the wonderful things waiting for you once you were born…for me, I wished to be the one to give you all these wonderful things. Sadly, I knew this one wish would not come true. My dearest child, to your parents I have given the precious gift of you. And in my heart I know all my wishes for you have now come true.”
Pencil illustrations of mothers, fathers and babies of different races convey a warm feeling throughout the book.
The book includes a section in the back for parents. This is entitled Talking with Your Child About Adoption. It is written by Jeanne Warren Lindsay, author of books on adoption and family dynamics. Much of the section is rather elementary. Lindsay does provide some ideas of what you can say if the child asks if they will meet their birthparents some day. There is also an interesting comment from an adoptive parent of two children, one of whom has open contact with his birthparents and one who does not, on the effects this has on their children.
Lindsay advises parents to stress three points:
–your child was born just as all other babies are born,
–adoption is normal and natural; lots of people are adopted, and
–once it’s done, adoption is permanent. Whether your child knows her birthparents or not, she will always be a part of your family.
Please see this related blog:
Reading and Thinking About Birthmothers