My last blog mentioned some books written to help foster care kids understand and come to terms with their experiences. I wanted to write a full review of another book, Maybe Days: a Book for Children in Foster Care.
This book, labeled for ages 4-10 years, seems to me to be for somewhat older kids than The Star or Zachary’s New Home (books discussed in the last blog). It is written by Jennifer Wilgocki, M.S., a child and family therapist who presents training on attachment and bonding issues to professionals and foster parents. Dr. Marcia Wright is a clinical psychologist. The book is written in short sentences and presented in large type, with brightly colored illustrations on each page. The illustrations depict children, foster parents, counselors, social workers and judges in various ethnicities.
The message itself begins, “All kids need a grown-up to take care of them.” It then explains that sometimes kids can’t live with their mother or father and need to live somewhere else, called a foster home, where grown-ups called foster parents can care for them. The book lists possible reasons why kids can’t live with their parents—sometimes the parents have to be in jail, sometimes they hurt the kids, sometimes they are dead, or sometimes they just can’t take good enough care of kids. The book is clear that it’s not the child’s fault or the child’s decision.
The book validates different emotions and experiences: some kids like their foster parents, some have other feelings, some have more than one feeling at the same time. Some kids feel worried if they like their foster parents. They worry about making their foster parents and/or their birth parents feel sad or mad or hurt. Some kids call their foster parents mom and dad; some don’t. Some kids look like their foster parents; some don’t. Some kids like to tell people they are living with foster parents; others don’t.
The book makes the point that there is always something to get used to in a new foster placement, and sometimes there are a lot of things. The authors acknowledge that no matter how long or short a time foster care lasts, children miss the people, pets, neighbors, furniture and things from their old homes. They also say that “when kids are in foster care they can have big feelings”, which sometimes turn into troubles like school troubles, anger troubles, trouble sleeping or other troubles. Kids sometimes need help managing these feelings.
The book is good at simply explaining the different roles adults play:
“The parents’ job is to learn to solve their own problems and be good parents. The foster parents’ job is to take good care of the kids. The social workers’ job is to check in with the parents and the foster parents. The social worker also listens to the kids and helps if there are any problems. The therapist’s job is to help everyone with their big feelings and their troubles and their worries. The lawyers’ job is to speak up for people in court. The judge’s job is to listen to everyone and to have the last say about what will happen and what the plan will be.
“The plan depends on the situation. The judge might say that the kids can go home to their parents, or kids can stay in foster care, or kids can get adopted.”
Judges also decide if kids can or can’t have visits with their parents and relatives. Visits can be hard, or fun, or both. Kids may have a lot of different feelings about visits.
The book’s title is self-evident when the authors explain that no matter what plan the judge finally decides on, the kids have to wait a lot while the grown-ups work on the plan. A lot of feelings can come with waiting. Kids have a lot of questions: will they see their brothers and sisters again? Will they stay with their foster parents? Will they go home to their parents? Will they have more visits with grandparents or other relatives? And the answer to most of these questions, for a while, is usually MAYBE. It’s hard to have so many Maybe Days, “But kids do the best they can in the middle of all the maybes.”
“A kid’s job is always to be a kid,” the book concludes.
“It’s important not to let the waiting and the maybes get in the way of other things like…going to school, having birthdays, playing with a pet, doing homework, smelling flowers, eating cookies, having friends, riding a bike, following the rules, meeting nice people, running as fast as you can, being good at what you’re good at, and most of all being YOU. There’s no maybe about that.”
The book concludes with a section for foster parents or other adults who may share this book with children. It explains that children may want to focus on one or a few pages at a time or to skip pages. It explains that kids may have a variety of feelings in foster care: relief (from actual danger or from having to have adult-like worries and responsibilities), happiness, sadness, loss and grief, loneliness, anger, confusion, guilt and shame. Suggestions for encouraging kids to talk, for finding help for foster families, and for dealing with birth family visitation are included.
Unfortunately, the book’s assertion that everyone is doing the best they can will not ring true for some kids. Ed’s blogs have alluded to the problems which are worsened by indifferent social workers or foster parents. Perhaps the adult reading the book to one of those children will want to add that some people need help to do their jobs well and any problems are not the child’s fault.
Please see this related blog:
Types of Adoption Part Two: Adoption from the Child Welfare System