Getting divorced is so much more complicated when there are children involved. The marriage may be over, but this person will continue to be a part of your life for the next 18 years because of the simple fact that you have children together. This is one of the most difficult things about divorce; you get a constant reminder that your marriage failed and that you now have to share your children. Like it or not, you are tied together for life. You now have to find a way to navigate your new co-parenting relationship, which trust me, is a lot easier said than done.
Once a pattern of behavior in a relationship is set it can be difficult to break out of. My ex-husband and I were together for almost four and a half years, while this may not seem like very long to most, it was enough time that we definitely had become accustomed to our interactions with each other. Typically I would hold back how I was really feeling in order to keep the peace and avoid contention, and when I did bring up my feelings he would lie and do whatever he felt like anyway. This has also often been the pattern in our co-parenting relationship as well. I tend to let things fester because I hate nothing more than fighting with him, because this in most cases gets us absolutely no closer to a solution than when we started. When I do stand up for myself, it almost always causes some kind of conflict and I again fall back into victim mode and let him walk all over me. Sound familiar to any of you?
When building a healthy co-parenting relationship it is important set boundaries. Neither one of you should know all of the intimate details of the other person’s life, except when it is affecting your children. If there is going to be conflict make sure your children aren’t around to see it. There is nothing more damaging to them than seeing their parents fight. Try texting or emailing if you feel there is any chance of conflict. This gives you time to cool down before you respond and it keeps your children from being in the middle of an argument. Keep the lines of communication open. As much as you don’t like talking to your ex, it is absolutely necessary when you are both trying to raise your children. If something is bothering you, talk about it. You may not always be able to solve the problem, but do what you can to meet in the middle and be sensitive to both parent’s feelings. Finally, be respectful. Never call each other names or treat the other person poorly. This only causes pain for your children and does nothing in the way of creating a healthy co-parenting relationship. Your child loves both of you very much, they don’t need to hear any negativity coming from either side.
Building this post-divorce relationship with your ex isn’t easy. It takes a lot of work on both sides. Do what you can to set aside the broken pieces of your marriage so that you can move on and focus on this new relationship with them. It will definitely be challenging, you will likely go through good and bad phases as you are navigating what works and what doesn’t, but in the end your children will thank you for it, because it makes all the difference in the world for them.