I was hosting a gathering at my home the other night and got into a chat with a few women–two of whom didn’t have any children, one guest had raised and launched her kids and then there was me–still knee-deep in teenagers. I was telling a tale of some recent altercation and one of the child-free women asked me if it didn’t hurt my feelings to be barked and snarled at by teenagers? I giggled, “Feelings? I’ve become a numb Zen Mother!”
But that wasn’t exactly true–I had to confess that while I feel rather unfazed at this point by just about anything that happens within this crazy house, it took some adjusting. When my girls first hit adolescence, I was caught a bit off guard by the suddenness. It was like an out-take from “The Exorcist” and I was unwittingly cast as the unsuspecting villain. So, yes, in the beginning, my feelings were crushed. What had happened to those sweet little sidekicks who thought I was the most beautiful, perfect mom on the planet?
I had to allow myself to genuinely mourn the passing of their childhood and my lost halo of maternal perfection. I took their outbursts and shunning personally and felt all the abandonment and rejection any woman would feel when her beloved leaves her for someone younger and much more “chill.” But that was several years ago.
Like all great losses, we adjust. And letting go leaves us open for what comes next. The mourning and separation that characterizes adolescence is preparing me for a new relationship with these soon-to-be-grown people. A wise woman advised me a few years ago when I was moping about the changes that if I thought I was having a tough time, maybe I should try to remember how tough and painful it is to be a teenager! She was right. They are definitely shedding the skin of childhood, and it can’t feel very good having to scrape that outgrown skin on those sharp rocks. I just happen to be the safest one they can snarl and bark at.
So, in answer to the guest’s query–yes, a mother can definitely get her feelings hurt, but then she realizes it really isn’t about her and becomes the new and improved Zen Mother…