What parent wants to admit that their child is displaying negative or possibly dangerous behavior toward peers, friends and classmates? The articles and books teach us how to help our children cope with a neighborhood or school bully, but not necessarily what to do if our child is one doing the bullying. We parents may be embarrassed to admit that our child is the one causing problems.
A bully doesn’t have to be a physical brute, or someone who is larger or more physical than other children. And, bullying is not relegated to the male gender. The fact is, child who resort to violence or threats of violence and manipulation to get their own way or control situations are actually trying to mask insecurity and feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem. Some children may have learned this behavior from home, or have developed it as a way of coping with the realities of their lives (which might involve competing with siblings, feeling overwhelmed or incapable at school, major life changes or traumas, or other events.)
The first step, and possibly the hardest for parents, is to face that our child does, in fact, have a problem with bullying behavior. Trying to discover the cause or root of the issue and the feelings of insecurity behind the behavior may take time and you may need to enlist the help of a professional counselor. It may help to talk with teachers, coaches and other adults in the child’s sphere of influence to try to discover if the behavior is occurring in isolated situations or has become a “universal problem” for the child. Perhaps one of the most difficult steps is the self-evaluation–looking at the family and what is going on within the home to see if there are circumstances contributing to the child’s feeling out-of-control and insecure. A child who feels powerless and helpless may resort to threatening and violent behavior to get what she wants and/or gain a sense of control.
Helping a child overcome bullying involves treating the cause, not the behaviors. Focusing on negative behaviors has a tendency to make things worse. Instead, it is necessary to get to the root of the anger, frustration, helplessness, insecurity and powerlessness that influence bullying and try to help the child develop a healthy and positive self-concept.
Related Blogs:
The Practical Ways to Build Self-Esteem series by Beth McHugh