Detaching can be a tough wrestling match for a single parent—we do not want to become so distant and skeptical that we have detached too much, but we also do not want to cling so tightly to our lives—our jobs, children, homes, relationships, etc. that we are enmeshed in a healthy way. I sometimes think it will take me a lifetime to really master this challenge of detaching in a healthy and loving way.
What I have found interesting and universal (in talking with other single parents) is that we tend to vacillate in our responses to parenting and life—we tend to either want to respond to loss by clinging and holding and clasping tightly, or we throw up our hands and want to walk away—vowing we will never get so attached as to be as hurt as we’ve been. Of course, we may know intellectually that finding a balanced, “happy medium” is probably the healthiest way to go—but it is much easier talked about, than done!
This is the tightrope that we single parents walk—protect and nurture our children, try to make up for past wrongs and painful loss, healthy bonding, letting go, trying not to let our boundaries get sloppy and messy, make sure our children know we love them unconditionally. As we try to balance along that tightly straining wire, I have found that if I let love and caring be my guide, I get closer to being able to detach in a healthy way—without too much grasping and clinging, and without leaving my children (or myself) hanging and feeling abandoned. Since we single parents do not have another adult close in our daily lives to help us balance out what is healthy in terms of attachment and detachment, it is up to us to work at getting the balance right. When I get confused, I try to think of my life and relationships with my children as a dance—sometimes we get too close, step on each other’s feet, and sometimes we are dancing solo, but if I can remember we are still dancing together, I can generally get the steps right.
Also: Things Tend to Move in Cycles
Parents Get Separation Anxiety Too