This is a difficult question. We outgrow clothes when we are little. We outgrow toys. We outgrow activities and grades. We even outgrow some of our friends. But can we really outgrow our marriage? If we can outgrow it, what do we do? How do we cope with it? This is more than a difficult question, it’s a difficult series of questions.
To Outgrow Someone
Outgrowing our friends happens when our interests diverge. This is a real problem when we’re teenagers and girls understand this concept a little bit better than boys (or so I think). Girls mature faster in some ways than boys do. Their interests are more likely to mature with them. When a friend or a companion doesn’t mature as quickly, we typically out grow them. When I was in high school, I was good friends with someone that focused constantly on how she looked. I wasn’t worried about my looks or conforming, I was worried about hanging onto my job and making my car payment. Our priorities were really different. It didn’t take long for that schism to lead to more. We grew apart and in different directions. We stopped hanging out together so much because we just didn’t have much to talk about.
That’s not the first time it happens and it won’t be the last. You can be great friends with a coworker, but as soon as you leave that job, you lose your common frame of reference. You don’t dislike them, but this commonality that brought you together isn’t there anymore.
Outgrowing Marriage
Now let’s apply the same concept to marriage. I don’t think you outgrow ‘marriage’ because marriage is a concept. I think you can outgrow your partner or spouse. I think you can be in one place when you meet, get to know each other and fall in love. I think that’s a common frame of reference you both have. I think as you travel life’s path together, you both develop interests, sometimes mutual and sometimes not.
I think how you react to certain situations also changes as you mature. Financial difficulties, deaths in the family, changing careers and becoming parents – these all influence who you are individually and together. But what if you and your partner have outgrown each other or grown in different directions? What does that mean? Is your marriage over? Can you fix it? How do you know?
Come back tomorrow. We’re going to talk about that. I’d also like to hear your thoughts on outgrowing marriage or relationships. Can you outgrow your marriage?