Recently, I was watching the exasperated dad of a three-year-old trying to elicit compliance and agreement from the unbudging child. He tried all the tricks in the parenting toolbox—distraction, bribery, affection, sternness. In the end, the stubborn child didn’t give in and the dad had to change tactics and move on to something else. All I could do was offer him a warm smile and try to convey as much sympathy and understanding as I could. One of the first and most shocking things we learn as parents is that if our child absolutely, positively doesn’t want to do something—there really isn’t much we can do about it…
Sure, there are plenty of things we can do to ward off those head-butting sessions where we come face-to-face with our child’s obstinacy—we can use all those tools earlier and try to convince our kid that he or she really wants to do the very thing that we want him or her to do. But, when it gets right down to it, when push really comes to shove, can we ever MAKE another human being (child or not) do something they do not want to and will not do?
I think that is one of the big lessons of parenthood—we can guide, shape, love, nurture, parent and influence—but we really are dealing with a separate human being here with his own path, his own ideas, and his own temperament. The shocking thing is how early in our child’s life we can come up against the solid will of this separate person! We may be able to win little battles and push them along in our chosen direction for a while, but eventually, that separate person will let us know that there is nothing we can do to make them do something they absolutely, positively do not want to do!
Also: Kids Who Can’t Be Rushed
Unconventional Kids, Unconventional Parents
How Much of This is Personality?