Communication with the Ex is a big challenge for many divorced and separated parents. We talk about it fairly often here because it can be such a huge problem. What can we talk about? When? And how best should we go about it? If we are in a situation where we are co-parenting and sharing custody of the child or children, then we need to be able to communicate with each other. Unfortunately, many divorced and separated parents feel like they cannot share their true concerns about their children for fear that it opens them up to criticism or that the other parent will not productively share in trying to find a solution.
Judgment, miscommunication, or even danger exists for many single parents when they try to communicate with the ex. If they express concerns about a particular problem that the child might be having, their situation may mean that the Ex is critical, blames, or even threatens to take the child away because of the problem. Whether any of this is fair or not, it can bring about a great deal of stress and fear and make communication impossible.
Even more mild communication problems can make it tough to share concerns. If you are concerned about something and the other parent thinks it is nothing, or refuses to take it seriously, that can set up a disparity that undermines any productive changes you might try to make. It might also be that the Ex just is not a safe person to confide in and you do not know whether your concerns will be shared inappropriately with the child (“Your mom says you are being bad in school.”) or with someone else.
Every situation is unique. If you do not feel as though you can safely share your concerns with your child’s other parent, you might need to seek help or mediation. What does your divorce and parenting agreement state that you have to share? Also, consider what is in the best interest of the child and it may be that sharing concerns in a safe situation (like counseling, therapy, or with a mediator) is the only way you can truly communicate.