Some Parts Of Our Kids Are On a Need To Know Basis

One part of adopting a child with a history of abuse and neglect is that there are times when you need to discuss it. My oldest son Steve was taken from his biological mother when she was arrested while using him to shop lift; he was only 2 when he was put in foster care. There are a few things that you need to know about Steve the first, he has epilepsy. His epilepsy is controlled in the aspect that you do not see him falling on the floor in a seizure but when they run his annual EEG they … Continue reading →

Giving an adopted child back

Tom told me a story the other day about a family who started the process of adopting a child from foster care and then ultimately decided to give that child back to the foster care system. There are situations where it might be appropriate to back out of an adoption, there may be times when there is no other choice available and parents have to (hopefully reluctantly) change their minds. I try not to judge, adopting a child is difficult, stressful, highly emotional, and deeply personal, but… this particular story was really disturbing to me. Apparently the parents were very … Continue reading →

“Last Chance Ranch”

There are many residential treatment programs for troubled children and teens, ranging from inpatient psychiatric units to wilderness adventures to boot camps. But to my knowledge, there is only one which is specifically focused on international adoptees. The Seattle Times recently ran a story, reported by Bonnie Miller Rubin of the Chicago Tribune, about The Ranch for Kids, a ranch in rural Montana currently housing 24 children who will stay for about six to twelve months. Some of these children have molested other children, stolen, vandalized and set fires. Most of them have fetal alcohol syndrome, a mental illness, or … Continue reading →

When Adoptions Don’t Work Out

No one wants to talk about it—not adoptive parents who know how wonderful adoption can be, not prospective parents who desperately want to believe that love will conquer all, not professionals whose reputations and self-image are based on facilitating the happily-ever-after family. Adoptions that don’t work out are a small percentage of adoptions . However, they can represent ten to twenty percent of older-child adoptions (different agencies define “older child” differently when keeping statistics. I believe it generally refers to children over age seven.) Adoptions of older children are ten to twenty percent more likely to eventually disrupt than adoptions … Continue reading →

He Still Wonders

Sometimes I wonder what my adopted children are thinking. Every now and then, they will tell me something that is surprising. Every time that I start to think that a child is finally secure, I get a surprise. At least, that is how it has worked so far. Our oldest is eight years old and our only child that can really remember a day that he was not with us. I have already related how he recently had to ask if he was still going to be living with us when we tried to sneak him out of the house … Continue reading →

Memories That Linger

One of our adopted children has just recently been exhibiting behavior that we do not usually expect with him. He has been having outbursts of anger at school and at home. We thought about what might be triggering these feelings and sought counsel from an experienced adoption therapist. As background, eighteen months ago, we decided that the public schools were never going to fit for us. We then home schooled him for a year and a half. It went well academically and important bonding took place, particularly between the boys and my wife. We really valued the home school experience, … Continue reading →

Foster Parents Will Have Emergencies

Yesterday, I was in the car at a crowded intersection and an emergency vehicle had to go through in a very big hurry. I was glad that they were not coming for me. It made me think about the times that I have been in an emergency situation. I was involved in an accident on my motorcycle when I was in law school. I also needed emergency help more times than I like to admit when we received four badly traumatized little boys into our home. We had a close friend living nearby who had shown us over the years … Continue reading →

Just Like Dad

Matthew Walter, our oldest adopted child, is the only one who remembers anything about his life before he was part of our family. He is very inquisitive about my family, particularly my father. The other boys rarely, if ever, show such an interest. I look for opportunities with him to interject something about my father as we go through the day. For instance, this morning I took Matthew to have his eyes examined by an optometrist. When I could see that the doctor was making a good impression on him, I told him that my father and my grandfather (maternal) … Continue reading →

Basic Nurture: Catching Up

When a child has not received basic nurturing as an infant, there is a deep need to receive what he missed, even if it comes several years later. I want to preface what I am about to write by saying that I am not a medical or psychological expert. I am raising children who were deprived of their basic necessities as infants. My wife and I have done our best to solve the problem based upon information from people who are experts and various publications which address the issue. Three of our children came to us when they were four … Continue reading →

Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 5

This blog is number five in my series discussing the ideal traits that an adoptive parent will have to successfully adopt a special needs child. The individual will have compassion and sensitivity for the inconsistent emotions and sentiments of their adopted child. Sometimes an adopted child will say things that do not make sense from your perspective. Our oldest is the only one of our five boys who even knew their birth mother. The lady who was taking care of them when the state took custody of them was telling him that she was their mother and Lola was merely … Continue reading →