“If I had a Baby, I Would Keep It”

Discussions with eight-year-old Meg seem to be coming thick and fast lately. Meg came into the room while I was watching an early episode (I think the first) of the recent PBS documentary Carrier. This is a ten-episode look at the lives of the men and women serving aboard a Navy aircraft carrier during a six-month deployment. In this episode, one young sailor, about nineteen, reveals to his bunkmates that his girlfriend is pregnant, and that he learned this just a couple of weeks before shipping out. (Okay, I should have turned off the TV when Meg entered the room. … Continue reading →

Stages of Birthparents’ Thinking About Adoption

My last two blogs have been based on Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg’s work in their book, Inside Transracial Adoption. I have tried to briefly summarize their explanation of common stages gone through by adoptees and adoptive parents. In this blog I will discuss their interpretation of birthparents’ reactions. Naturally, these ideas represent the authors’ experiences of patterns many members of the adoption triad (child, birthparents, adoptive parents) report feeling. Individuals’ experiences may be different, of course. In the Pre-Conscious Stage, birthparents think that even though it breaks their heart not to be able to raise their baby, the adoption … Continue reading →

Talking About Tough Questions

Adoption, under the best possible circumstances, involves loss. Few birthparents deliberately plan to have a child they will have to let someone else parent. Adoptive parents, like all parents, want to shield their children from sadness and from things they think may be damaging to their self-esteem. However, the loss of trust in their parents that secrecy creates is potentially more damaging than the original losses. Books such as Lois Melina’s Making Sense of Adoption and Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler, recommend age-appropriate ways of conveying a child’s story to … Continue reading →

“She Just Abandoned Me!”

“How could she just abandon her child like that?” “How can I tell my child she was abandoned?” “How can I ever speak positively of my son’s birthmother when it breaks my heart to think of my son being left alone?” “I was abandoned when I was two months old.” Many children who were adopted from other countries have papers stating that they were “abandoned”. Parents who adopt from any country, including the U.S., have people comment “How come his parents didn’t want him?” or “How can these people just abandon their kids?” (Note to people who have asked me … Continue reading →

11 Things Some Adoptive Parents Would Like Birth Family by State Adoption to Know

Below is a list of things that some parents by adoption, as well as I have come up with and wish for our children’s birth parents and birth family to know: I love my children no differently than I would if I’d given birth to them myself. We have vowed to give our children the best we can possibly provide. We value many special characteristics that are a result of genetics and not by anything we could have given our children. We will not paint you in a bad light to our children. Having not been a birthparent, I can’t … Continue reading →

Birth Parents Love Their Kids

Yes, I have over generalized the title. I’m sure there are birth parents out there that do not feel love for their children. As you read bulletins of waiting children you may be left wondering if many of these parents really cared about their kids. Who would want to harm a child that they love? In learning of the stories behind my children’s entrance into state care, I wondered what kind of love their birth mothers especially had. Both had substance abuse issues while they were pregnant and both were in relationships that involved domestic violence at some point. Both … Continue reading →

Putative Father’s Registry–Biological Father’s Rights

During the past 40 years the number of children born to unmarried parents has grown dramatically. Putative fathers (the alleged, named, or reputed biological father) of children born out of marriage have historically been given few rights when it comes to the wellbeing and upbringing of their children. Things have been changing in this area and putative fathers have challenged the termination of their parental rights when their child has been placed for adoption. The U.S. Supreme Court has affirmed putative father’s constitutional protection of parental rights when the father has established a substantial relationship with his child. A substantial … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 7) Healing

Birthparents will never forget the baby they placed for adoption. Forgetting isn’t the goal but it’s important for birth mothers and birth fathers to adapt to the new circumstances and come to terms with any regret. When birth parents are able to accept their lives it’s possible to gain a feeling of control, and move forward with whatever else life has in store for them. Birth mothers and birth fathers who are able to openly share feelings with themselves and others may find it to be helpful while moving through the stages of grief and reaching some resolution. Some of … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 5) Identity Issues

Placing a baby for adoption can cause personal identity issues for some birthparents. After the surrender and the signing of the relinquishment of parental rights some birth parents may wonder, “Am I a parent?” Many birth parents experience a strong feeling of incompleteness, because they really are parents without a baby. Most of the time, the fact a birthmother or birthfather are parents goes unacknowledged with their family and friends. Often, birthparents here statements that add to the loss of their identity such as, “Anyone can give birth but, it takes more to be a good parent.” While it may … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 4) Shame and Guilt

Expecting mothers and fathers, experiencing the difficulty and emotional stress of an unplanned pregnancy often face deep feelings of shame for being in the situation in the first place. When parents make an adoption plan for their baby these feelings of shame can be even greater in part due to a lack of understanding from their friends, family and society in general. Shame about the fact parents are faced with an unexpected baby may lead to feelings of unworthiness or incompetence about becoming parents. Guilt for making choices that led to an unplanned pregnancy in many cases can destroy the … Continue reading →