I consider myself to be a pretty stubborn person and over my many years of parenting I have learned how to be fairly detached and firm when I need to be. That said, I have also done my share of getting exhausted and caving in. When is it okay to give in to a child’s demand and what can a parent do to keep from caving in when it is best to stay firm?
I do not think it is possible to ALWAYS be firm and to NEVER give in to a whining child. However, there are times when giving in can be relatively harmless and other times where it can start a precedent and create more problems. A child who starts whining and pressing to NOT go to bed for example—if there are no physical or mental reasons why the child shouldn’t be settling down to sleep—every time we give into the temper tantrums or allow that extra glass of water, 2 extra stories or whatever, our caving in can be creating a problem that will be hard to undo. Kids can be incredibly persistent—more so than a tired and overworked parent! I know that my kids also seemed to just KNOW when I was exhausted and they would push and pressure.
If you have to cave in, try to do it with a caveat or negotiation: “I will let you stay up fifteen minutes later tonight, but tomorrow you will have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier.” This buys you some time and puts the choice or decision about whether to push it on the child. Then you must make sure that you enforce the consequence the next day. The more you make your “caving in” a choice that the child is making—the more you are NOT indulging his or her whining and hopefully helping him or her to understand that things usually come with a price.
If you have to, detach yourself and take a break—gather your strength. Call a friend or support person who will not mind listening to your child scream in the background. A little humor and a supportive voice can add some perspective and help you to not feel so “worked over.”
See Also: Giving In or Letting Go?
Giving In to Everything a Child Wants