Psychology Today posted an article by Josh Jones LCSW-R titled: “Childhood Isn’t Easy but Parenting Is Hard”. Here are three things he recommends to parents:
Differentiate Between Who They Are And What They Do
“We judge everyone by what they do, but we judge ourselves by how we feel.” This is why the metrics of our life can look great to everyone, and yet, to ourselves, something can still feel off; no matter what I do, something inside still feels wrong. This is a painful way to live, and often the roots of it can be found in childhood.
Being a parent means watching your child constantly do things that are wrong, or even bad. However, what we understand as bad with our grown-up brains can be maturational to a child. Drawing on the walls with crayons is bad, yet to a 3-year-old, it can be an expression of curiosity and creativity.
We can’t allow our kids to decorate our living room walls like a subway care from the ‘80s, but telling or even yelling “you’re bad!” as a response to authentic expression deposits shame inside of a child and can be a seed that grows into the feeling that there’s just something fundamentally wrong in me.
That’s why, whenever possible, we want to differentiate between who are kids are, and what they do. The simple statement of “I love you very much, and you just did a bad thing” can do just that.
Don’t Create Too Much Energy Around Anything
This one tends to confuse people at first, but once they get it, they really get it. Not creating too much energy doesn’t mean being removed, passive, numbed out, or not caring. We want our kids to experience us as passionate, present, and fully engaged. So, this is where it may get confusing because we’re not talking about a “to do” as much as we’re talking about the energy we create around the things we do.
As Gabor Mate said, “Of all environments, the one that most profoundly shapes the human personality is the invisible one: the emotional atmosphere in which the child lives during the critical early years.” As an example, a parent who is obese using food to self-regulate is creating a lot of energy around food. On the other end of the spectrum, however, you may have a parent who is severely restrictive with how they eat and as a result has barely any food in the house. Though there’s nothing to eat a no food in sight, there is still a ton of energy being created around food.
This matters because when too much energy is created around anything, it becomes difficult for a child to develop their own healthy, authentic relationship with that thing. I have worked with so many parents who have felt at a complete loss as to whey their eating and exercise is a mess, why they can’t stay disciplined, or why one mistake leads them into a debilitating anxious state. So often, we find it comes form the energy that was created around those things as they grew up.
There’s No Such Thing As a Parenting Hack, but If There Were, This would be It
It is so important to remember that during the formative years of childhood, everything biologically, psychologically, socially, and even spiritually are being formed. Nothing is certain for the child — everything is being shaped and discovered. That’s why my number one rule of parenting is a loving relationship between a mom and a dad. If there’s a parenting hack, this is it.