Sometimes adoptive parents are surprised to discover that an older adopted child, toddler, school-age or teen, does not fit our society’s image of a child.
Sometimes children have been responsible for taking care of themselves. Perhaps they were left alone at home a lot and are used to getting their own food, doing their schoolwork alone, following through themselves on school expectations, paperwork, and items needed, and/or taking care of the house. Some of them have been responsible for taking care of other children. Some of them have even been taking care of their parents or the other adults in their lives, whether emotionally by being a sounding board for adult problems, by helping to conceal birth or foster family members’ substance abuse or mental illness from outsiders, by doing chores or caretaking, or perhaps for teens, even trying to provide for the family financially. Older children from other countries, and teens from foster care in the U.S may have lived on the streets, alone or in a group of children, and fended for themselves.
Children in orphanages may also have been assigned younger children to care for. Cindy Champnella, in her book The Waiting Child, found that her three-year-old daughter had been assigned to care for two young toddlers, dressing them, taking them to the toilet, and helping with other tasks.
(While some caregivers unquestionably put too much responsibility on young children, Champnella felt that in some ways her daughter’s love for one of these toddlers and his need to take care of him helped her to survive emotionally after she was twice told that a family had been found for her, then told that the adoption wouldn’t happen. I have also known of orphanages in India in which an older child is matched with a baby to give the baby a massage every day. This may help to prevent the failure to thrive seen in infants who minimum physical needs are met, but who are not touched or spoken to.)
Other times, unfortunately, the children may have been abused. They do not play, but rather spend time in watchfulness, which professionals often call “hypervigilance”. This is to try to ensure that they do not displease adults and risk further abuse. It may also be to enable them to notice where food is, where a safe place to be is, or just to ensure that they know what to expect at all times.
Parents who have longed for a child often imagine cuddling a child, going to the zoo, playing games, and buying toys for appreciative children. They may be quite taken aback when the child does not respond as expected. Even experienced parents may feel disappointment. Parents who adopt a sibling group may find that the older siblings continue to assume a parental role with the younger children which blocks the little ones from fully entering a relationship with their new parents.
Conversely, some parents are relieved when a child is “easier” than expected. Some parents report two-year-olds who are fully toilet-trained, dress and wash themselves, and are tidy and eager to please. These parents are often taken aback when this “honeymoon” phase ends after a few weeks.
My next blog will contain some suggestions for dealing with a child who seems unable to relinquish a parenting role, of themselves or of a younger sibling or siblings.
I would also like to hear from readers who have encountered this. What worked for you?
Please see these related blogs:
Issues Illuminated in The Waiting Child
Developmental Vs. Chronological Age