Most often the unintended victims of divorce are the children that are left confused, angry, scared and feeling alone when their whole world crumbles beneath their feet. In many cases, parents that have recently been divorced are barely hanging on to life by a thread, and are unable to meet their needs and all of the needs of their hurting children. Sometimes it takes outside help like from a support group, counselor or other family and friends to help everyone in the family through the especially painful days that occur during the first year after a breakup.
As discussed in a previous blog titled Custody Battles, I brought up the point that often time children are inappropriately placed in the middle of their parents divorce. In order to help educate parents and professionals about the unique needs of children of divorce, the Wisconsin State Supreme Court created a Children’s Bill of Rights. These rights resemble the United States Bill of Rights written in the Constitution, but were adapted to speak to the rights of children who, by no fault of their own are children of divorce. All 50 states have adopted this unique Bill of Rights.
Below is the Children’s Bill of Rights with some of my comments after them:
1. Divorcing parents shall enact no rules or regulations that impact each child’s rights to be treated as a human being, recognized to have unique feelings, ideas and desires consistent with that of any other individual. Understand that your children also need to grieve the loss of both of their parent’s joint relationship.
2. Each child has a right to a continuing relationship with both parents. Do not try to use your child to get back at your ex. This is wrong, and it will most likely cause harm to your child, and most likely backfire on you.
3. Each child is entitled to continuing care and proper guidance from each parent. Don’t undermine your ex in front of your child by calling him or her names or speaking disrespectfully about him or her. Monitor the tone you use while speaking with your ex on the phone or in person.
4. Each child has the right not to be unduly influenced by either parent so as to view the other parent differently. It is critically important that the child be able to maintain and grow his or her relationships with each parent without interference from the other parent.
5. Each child is entitled to an explanation that the impending action of divorce was in no way caused by the child’s actions. Almost all children believe they had something to do with the breakup of the parental relationship. Make sure you explain to them that it was no doing of theirs.
6. Each child has the right to express love, friendship and respect for both parents.
7. Each child is entitled to honest feedback with respect to a change in the family structure and its impact on the changing relationships of the family.
8. Each child has the right to maintain regular contact with both parents and to have a clear explanation for any change in contact. I think it is important for children to also have regular contact with their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and other family members or family friends that they don’t get to see as often after the marital breakup.
9. Each child has a right to never be employed as a manipulative bargaining tool in custody negotiations or in any interaction between the parents. Again see the previous article titled Custody Battles. Don’t use your children to communicate with the other parent. Make a separate call to discuss future visitation or other issues. Try not to have these discussions at drop off or pickup times.
10. Each child is entitled to a safe, healthy and loving living environment.
Bill of Bights excerpted from Divorcemag.com. Additional comments courtesy of your author.