It can be fairly common in a divorced or separated family for it to feel like there are different camps. To be honest, I think it is the rare situation where at least some of the individuals involved don’t feel like they need to choose sides and stake out a camp. For those of us who are trying to remain neutral or who are trying to protect our children from a situation where they will feel the tug and pull of side-taking, negotiating the “war zone” can be incredibly challenging and uncomfortable.
To be completely fair, I know of two-parent families where friends and family members choose sides with one or the other parent too, but in a single parent family, the emotions and history can be strong and if it is a particularly messy or dramatic situation, choosing sides may seem inevitable. Of course, we know intellectually that this is not in the best interest of the children, but what can be done?
When emotions run high, it is so tough to remain neutral. After all, it can feel good to have people come to our defense and take our side. I do think that we need to protect the children from side-choosing whenever possible. There is a big difference between having a friend or family member commiserating with us in private and having them share it with our children. I also think that we have the responsibility of setting the standards for our family situation—we not only get to say what is okay with us, but we HAVE to let people know that we do not what to be party to taking sides, or we do not want our children to be influenced by it.
Inevitably, people get hurt when friends and family members start taking sides—it can be painful and difficult to maneuver, but we can set expectations for how we would like people to interact with our family. We just have to be prepared for some of the inevitable side choosing that can come with a divorce or separation.