It is unfortunate, but for many of us single parents, one of the realities that we have to face is how to get our lives to feel less like different, competing camps and more like we are all on the same team. If there is tension or disagreement—whether between the two parents or if other members of the extended families get involved—this can be incredibly hard on our children. I think it is a definite problem when the children feel as though they need to choose sides…
I have always been “against” children being asked to choose which parent they would like to live with. I think this is not only unfair, but it puts such pressure on children and takes away the responsibility from the grown-ups. After all, we really do need to be the responsible ones who look out for what is best for our children and this means that it should not be a popularity contest where we compete for our children’s favors. Parenthood and popularity should not go hand-in-hand. That said, I know full well how it can feel to be the “responsible parent” while another gets to be the “fun one.” I imagine that this happens in families where there are two parents in the home too, but children are less likely to feel like they have to choose between the two.
As parents, we have to do whatever we can to take our children OUT of the middle of two or more opposing sides. This is the reason that parents are encouraged to refrain from saying negative things about the other parent or the other family members. When it is not you but the “other side” that is putting pressure on the children to choose—you will probably need to step in and do what you can to try to interrupt the pattern. Let others know that you understand they may be unhappy with you, but that they need to stop trying to indoctrinate the children or make them feel as though they are stuck in the middle or need to choose. Whether it is people in your “camp” or in your ex’s—you need to be the adult and look out for the children’s best interest. Adults can certainly be expected to keep the children out of the middle.
You may need to also talk things over with your child and give them permission to NOT choose: “I know that you feel like you want to make both your Mom and me happy—but it is good for you to love both of us and want to spend time with both families.” Let the child know that you do not get your feelings hurt or feel slighted when he or she does things with the other family and give him or her permission to be attached to both. This will likely be an ongoing process but the more you can step in and interrupt the choosing of sides or the pressure for your child, the less likely he will be permanently hurt by the pressure.