As parents, there are times when we have no choice but to be confrontational. We need to find out what is going on with our child, what he is up to, or we need to express a concern or stop dangerous or destructive behavior. There are ways, however, that we make those confrontations more constructive and come out of them with something productive instead of an angry, distant and defensive child (not to mention a big pointless power struggle)…
I have learned about confrontation from experience. I still occasionally “go off” without settling myself down and taking care and it still does not go well. What I have learned is that if I can temper my confrontations with care, and keep a focus on being constructive and working toward a shared solution—we actually get somewhere.
What gets in the way of my expressing my care and concern when I confront one of my kids? If am reacting based on my own wounded pride or embarrassment or acting controlling, my kids pick up on it right away. They can “feel” it if I am confronting them because I am upset about how something has affected me instead of keeping their best interest at heart. If I can settle myself and sort through my own feelings, as well as gather all the facts about what is going on prior to a confrontation, we stand a better chance of achieving communication.
I have also learned to stay open. There is likely information and perspective that I am not seeing and if I approach things openly and give my child a genuine opportunity to express him or herself—we will get down to true change and communication. There is a difference between dialogue and a lecture—even if it starts with a confrontation.
Keep the child’s best interest at the core of everything and remember to detach from the outcome with love. Focus on what is really going on right now and refrain from bringing in other issues or letting emotion cloud your ability to communicate. Yes, we need to let our children see our care and concern, but we need to be able to hear what they have to say too.
Also: Practice, Not Perfection
Learning How to De-escalate Emotional Situations with Children