Often, children raised in single parent homes have a high level of independence. I know that my children have had to learn how to do things and help out around the house partially because there is only one adult in the home. There are times, however, when our children may be wrestling with feelings of insecurity and instability and they may actually act MORE dependent. What can we do when our children are displaying dependency issues to help them work through it and feel more secure?
I think we can expect that our children will be more clingy and dependent during times of transition: moving into a new house or neighborhood, a new school or starting a new grade, changes in living arrangements or custody. We single parents can also expect that if there are changes in our lives or the ex’s such as a new partner, starting to date, a break-up, impending marriage, etc. that our children may react by getting clingy. In my own family, other events like the death of a pet or an illness have brought about bouts of dependency. While I do think it helps to figure out what is going that is making the child so dependent, we can cope even if we don’t know the exact cause.
While it may be tempting to push a child to STOP being clingy and dependent, this can actually make things worse. Acknowledging the feelings and showing empathy, while still setting some limits can work better: “I understand that you are feeling lonely and like you need me to be with you right now, but I have to go to work today. Let’s make a date to snuggle and watch a movie together tonight.” Make extra time to be with a needy child and focus on bolstering his sense of well-being. If she is feeling insecure or scared, reassurance and special care can help to alleviate the cause of the dependency.
If it is a particularly unsettling time in the family, it may take a while before the child can really feel strong again. Have patience and provide extra support and encouragement as well as an opportunity to talk through things. Watch out for saying things like: “Why can’t you act like a big boy?” or “Why are you being such a baby?” as these can be hurtful and make a child feel more insecure and self-conscious. I have found that extra love and attention, as well as praise for progress help to cope and work through those periods when a child is extra-dependent.