Some of us get lucky. We get one (or more) strong willed child who has all sorts of opinions and ideas about how things should be run in the world—and he or she might start at a surprisingly young age. It doesn’t matter whether you are in line at the grocery store, sitting in a church pew or the child is in class—he or she is quite eager and happy to take issue and argue with anyone and everyone. What is a parent to do?
I think it can be helpful to remember that no personality trait or behavior is all bad or all good. There are some really positive things that can come from a child who is willing to stand up, ask questions, and offer opinions and observations. I think if we keep this in mind, it can help us not to get so exasperated and to avoid the power struggles that can erupt when we are trying to squelch a child’s natural tendencies. I think it also helps to try to get down whether or not there are “causes” to the argumentativeness to determine if it is a phase or a reaction, or if it is indeed a developing part of the child’s personality. If there have been some changes in the family or the child is feeling insecure, concerned, or out of control—he or she might try to get footing by telling everyone else what to do and digging the heels in. Reassurance, time and some one-on-one time could help to alleviate some of the argumentativeness.
If it is just who the child is, the parent may need to shift gears and figure out how to work WITH the argumentativeness and provide some structure and guidelines. Teaching the child when it is okay to challenge the status quo, and when it is inappropriate can be a challenging parental task, but worth it. You might have to decide if you can tolerate some debates and argumentativeness at home, if you can get the child to be less confrontational in public. I think we can also help our child find healthy and productive outlets for the tendency to debate and argue—how about the debate club or public speaking? Writing can be another great outlet for a child who has a lot to say, as can drama, classes on the political process, and even a book club can give a child a chance to learn how to share opinions and ideas AND listen to what other people have to say too.
Also: We Don’t Get to Choose Their Personalities
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