I’ve written before about how as parents we can work to not compare our own children with each other, the neighbor’s kids, or even to compare ourselves with other parents—but what about coping with things when OUR KIDS make comparisons and we find ourselves coming up short in their eyes? Whether our child or children are comparing us to their friend’s parents, a step parent or the “other parent,” or even mythological television parents, feeling judged and “inadequate” can be a tough pill to swallow.
Over time, many of us just become incredibly thick-skinned to our children’s comments. That doesn’t mean that we can’t get our feelings hurt or feel a little battered by what our kids might say, but, chances are, the grass is always going to look greener on the other side of the fence—it’s just human nature. And, somehow, we “every day” parents just don’t appear as glamorous or whatever as grandparents, step parents, or the three-car family in the big house down the street (“Johnny has no bedtime, really!).
I think I’ve been compared to some incredibly different “others” over the years. When my son was in the second or third grade, he had a friend who lived in a huge ranch mansion with his grandmother. The house had multiple levels and multiple rooms—including a pool, and a three-lane bowling alley in the basement. The many-hundred-acre ranch also had horses, barns and dangerous all-terrain vehicles. Fortunately, the sheer abundance and difference created only a brief period of comparison. My son quickly assessed that there was really just no comparison. And, since I had rules and boundaries and they seemed to be lacking in “Wonderland,” my son didn’t get to spend much time there and the friend soon lost interest in our little three-bedroom lifestyle. Now, he laughs about it and says, “That was so out of control!”
Since the divorce and my kids’ father’s re-partnering, I’ve definitely had the step-parent comparison to wrestle with. I just don’t go there. I’m the mom, that’s it. And, while I refrain from saying anything negative or judgmental, I also don’t entertain any of the “why can’t you be more like…” Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s fun, but it’s just a reality of the way our family has expanded and changed. I imagine that she gets some of the “Mom doesn’t do it that way,” too.
Comparisons are just a fact of living in the world, I think. It’s how our kids process things and get a sense of how things fit together in the world. That doesn’t mean we have to indulge and we can use the opportunity to let our kids know that we’re not going in for that comparison type of thinking. After all, it’s far more pleasant to think of ourselves as “beyond comparison!”